The joy of mobile phones

Like me, you may well have been on the receiving end of the mobile phone user. You know the one I mean – the one who annoys the shit out of you by talking into your ear on public transport whether you like it or not. They sit in the bus or train and find ways to annoy other passengers without any seeming effort, unabe to get it into their heads that they are incredibly rude and inconsiderate of others. This makes me very grumpy. There are a number of main types of these and you may recognise some, if not all, of them.

Mobile Drone

This person has a non-stop and seemingly endless conversation on their phone. They probably sit next to you or just behind you enabling you get the full benefit of their teeth-grindingly boring voice.  You will probably end up clenching your jaw so tight that you’ll need to take your food through a straw for at least a week after such an encounter. The droning monotone may also cause your brain to seize and become incapable of proper function for a few hours. This is a well known tactic of the security services so you may actually be the target of a covert operation as a person of interest in terms of national security. Or the person behind you could just be a boring twat with no personality.

Mobile Drama

Usually, but not always, a young girl with a piercing voice who explodes into laughter, tears, ecstasy and any number of other emotions while talking to her numerous friends and acquaintances on her phone. She sits quietly talking on the bus or train before scaring the willies out of everybody nearby by unexpectedly erupting with squeal of delight or horror. She may also laugh hysterically at random intervals. This person ends up speaking very loudly and telling the whole bus or train carriage about her problems with her ex-boyfriend, sexual adventures with her current boyfriend, dramas with her mother, father, best friend, dog, cat, rat, husband, lover etc etc. While initially entertaining, the drama eventually becomes tiring and you’d cheerfully wring her neck just to shut her up.

Mobile Twat

This loud, selfish, and obnoxious person is totally obsessed with themselves. They are also obsessed with their mobile phone and can’t spend more than 5 minutes without feeling the need to call somebody. They will phone work to give people an update on their current location, phone their partner to say the same, phone their mate to check that lunch is still on for next Thursday, phone their mum to them that they are on their way to work, phone work on their way home to check that they haven’t been forgotten in the 15 minutes that they have been out of the office. They are very insecure people who should be shot as a public service – but you should resist the urge to punch them, and hope somebody else takes the lead, or at least gently removes the phone from their hand and throws it out of the window while at the same time yelling rather hysterically, ‘You’re not that important you stupid fuckwit!’

Mobile Autobiography

This person tells their life story by way of speaking on the phone. As you sit in your seat trying to concentrate on your book or the newspaper, they tell the unfortunate person on the other end of the phone every intimate detail of what they have done so far that day, including what they had for breakfast, what time they left the house, the conversation they had with their partner (this is often repeated word for word), and what happened the previous day. This takes some considerable time. Following this, and just when you think there is some relief in sight, they then go on to talk about their itinerary for the coming day at work and then what they might well be doing that evening. This phone call will go on and on and on and on…etc.

 Mobile Rustler

This has nothing to do cattle. The rustler has a phone secreted somewhere on their person or in their bag. It will have a really annoying ring-tone, usually something like the Birdie Song, the theme from Mission Impossible, or any other bit music that is crass, twee, or just plain shit. It will start ringing, causing everybody in the bus or train to look around to see who could possibly have thought that the ringtone would have been a good idea. The rustler will then start to systematically search through their belongings to find the offending item, a process that will take a while. The phone will stop ringing just when they are pulling it out of the last hidden recess that they thought of looking. They will then return it to their person and immediately forget where they put it.

Mobile Whisperer

Avoid this person, they are probably a nutter. They sit crouched over muttering into their phone, which may or may not be switched on. If you find yourself sitting next to a whisperer you should ignore them, despite the unsettling nature of the one-way conversation happening next to you.

Watch out for these people. If you find yourself near any of them I recommend you put in earplugs.

About George Fripley
I am a writer who enjoys writing humour, satire, poetry and sometimes a bit of philosophy. I live in Perth, Western Australia and occasionally get a poem or article published. It's all good fun! I have two books available for unwary readers, Grudges, Rumours and Drama Queens- The Civil Servant's Manual (This contains all that anybody could ever want to know about why government runs so slowly) and More Gravy Please! - the Politician's Handbook. (available through Amazon)

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