My slightly warped take on reality TV – Alice Isabor

Alice Isabor was cursed to be baptised on the same day as William Shakespeare, a fact that grew to influence her whole life. Alice was poor and grew up on the south bank of the River Thames, the daughter of a Lady of the Night.  She also went into the family business once she was old enough and was often seen plying her trade on Maiden Lane in the Clink Liberty manor. She was one of many who were licensed by the Bishop of Winchester to operate in the area, free from the restrictions in the City of London. In 1599, after her mother died from a particularly virulent case of syphilis and was buried in Cross Bones, an unconsecrated graveyard for such ladies, Alice became disillusioned with her life and spent a few weeks in deep consideration of her future. That’s what she said, but in reality everybody else said it was a deep alcohol-induced coma – but nobody thought any less of her for it.

It was about this time that she thought she needed to leave her current job and carve out a new future for herself. Having very few talents, other than those relating to her previous profession, Alice decided that she would invite people into her house to watch her live her everyday life. This, she reasoned, would make her famous and open up opportunity. It would surely be more interesting than the dull, middle-of-the-road plays being written by William Shakespeare currently being performed just up the road in the Globe Theatre. It was going to be something new and exciting!

She put an advert on the local Parish noticeboard that read – Watch Alice Isabor. Live viewing – seats available. Much to everybody’s surprise, her plan began to work. People did indeed come to watch her live her life and paid a small charge for the privilege, although many were disappointed when they discovered her change of career.

One of the problems for Alice was that she still shared her house with some of her colleagues who were working as prostitutes. It wasn’t long before her audience discovered that, while watching Alice cook her evening meal was interesting, there was something far more interesting going on elsewhere, judging by the noise percolating down the hall. Alice soon lost her audience. In a desperate attempt to maintain her ratings, she asked her rapidly dwindling audience to vote Naughty Nina out of the house. They voted Alice out instead.

Not willing to let the concept go, Alice tried more and more daring ideas in a bid to draw her audience back. It really irked her that she was still unable to draw people away from that boring Globe Theatre. She put up more notices, one saying –Bored with Shakespeare? Come and watch real life action at my new house in Maiden Lane (Not that sort of action you dirty perverts!).  But the crowds didn’t come. Alice then found herself doing more and more extreme things to get attention. She came to her end when she attempted to juggle sixteen swords in the Southwark town square – ironically this did drag a huge audience, as the prospect of a grisly death usually does.

Some twelve months after Alice died The Globe Theatre burned down when a prop cannon being used caused it to catch fire. The word around Southwark was that the spirit of Alice had caused this as she was still bitter that people preferred Shakespeare to her ‘reality’ show. Most people thought that this was just a load of bollocks.

 

This an extract from The Complete Dregs of History At this site

About George Fripley
I am a writer who enjoys writing humour, satire, poetry and sometimes a bit of philosophy. I live in Perth, Western Australia and occasionally get a poem or article published. It's all good fun! I have two books available for unwary readers, Grudges, Rumours and Drama Queens- The Civil Servant's Manual (This contains all that anybody could ever want to know about why government runs so slowly) and More Gravy Please! - the Politician's Handbook. (available through Amazon)

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