My favourite politician – if only…

‘Laid-back’ Lawrence May

 Lawrence May has had a long and very undistinguished career in Parliament. As a young man growing up in rural Dorset he used to spend much of his time just lying in the grass and watching the clouds drift by. As he grew up he graduated to lying the grass with some cider while trying to focus on the clouds, and then with cider and the local girls while ignoring the clouds altogether. Then he took to lying in the grass smoking some grass and saying things like, ‘Man, look at those clouds man…like, wow.’ It was clear to all of the laidback folk of the small town of Wanton Dope that he would be ideal to represent their interests in Parliament. They enrolled him as a candidate in the next national election, and he was voted in without his even knowing that he was a candidate.

So, all of a sudden, poor old Lawrence found himself sitting with all the stuffed shirts listening to the endless drivel that passes for parliamentary debate. He felt he had no choice but to go to the bar and have a drink until the drivel was finished – but it just went on and on, leaving him no option but to have a drink or two and read the paper and a few surfing magazines. That was back in 1967, and the drivel is still going on. Because of this Lawrence has never really left the bar while in London on parliamentary business; he cannot bring himself to enter the House when a politician is speaking because, in his words, ‘It’s just not cool, man.’ On the rare occasions he has to go in to vote, he takes a hipflask with him so that he can keep his level of anaesthesia sufficiently high until the ordeal is over.

He travels back to Wanton Dope to recharge his batteries for long periods and has often questioned the townsfolk about whether they still want him to go to Parliament as their representative. The general consensus has been that they’d rather he went as they know and trust him, at least to the extent that he will be too spaced out to make any trouble for them and will not be ambitious at their expense. Being a rather relaxed population, they have never expected him to achieve anything of note and they have not been disappointed.

As an independent, Lawrence May spends as little time in London as possible and claims few expenses. He campaigns for environmental interests, farmer’s interests, and when he can get motivated, the legalisation of marijuana. He has no electorate office, instead making it clear that he can be found in the Travellers Arms or down at the beach. If he is not there people are welcome to come and find him at his farm provided that they come armed with some food or drink. He is so popular that he is unlikely to lose his seat until he dies.

Laid-back Lawrence May is a great example of how a person with no discernible talents whatsoever can eke out a successful career in politics. It is alleged that he is also responsible for consuming a good five percent of the marijuana sold in The City.

 

well – it is election time in the UK after all. More of this ridiculousness can be found at http://www.dregsofhistory.blogspot.com