Ron Ronaldson – press announcement

Ron Ronaldson Minister for Recycling Ideas makes the most of tyres

Recycling Minister Ron Ronaldson today announced that there will be a complete ban on the dumping of used tyres into landfill in the United Kingdom.

 The Government announced it would phase out the dumping of loose tyres and significantly boost recycling. Instead of sending tyres to landfill, the Government is now committed to using recycled vehicle tyres to create colourful playground surfaces and footpaths, rubber sex toys, and pointless disposable items that will end up being thrown away within a few months of their purchase.

“There are lots of these bloody tyres floating around and not being properly used all over the country, contributing considerable  tonnage of waste to landfills each year – it’s in the bloody millions,” Mr Ronaldson said.

“This is a big problem; if you laid all these tyres in a line, they would form a barrier that would be at least 700km long. We could in fact use it to stop all these bloody foreigners coming in, but apparently I’m not allowed to say that.” he said.

“This ban will eliminate the majority of people who constantly take up my time by writing letters to me about this subject. Rather than write letters to me you should write to the makers of these tyres to let them know what the problems are. ‘

 Once put back on track Mr Ronaldson added, “We can now use this valuable resource for road surfacing ‘soft-fall’ playground surfaces, golf walkways, synthetic turf, horse walkways, ‘traffic calming’ products such as speed humps, bitumen additives for road paving and other useful products such as rubber sex toys.”

When asked about using the tyres to create false reefs Mr Ronaldson said, “We’re not in Australia you idiot. This is England and the sea is bloody freezing. Get a grip will you! The best method to manage and dispose of tyre waste has been the subject of much discussion and I haven’t got much of a clue about the right answer, but the boffins tell me this new policy will do the trick.”

 “A seven-stage strategy will be implemented by the Environment boffins and then Hey Presto! the problem will be solved. I have every confidence in them.”

 Mr Ronaldson said he had complete confidence that all stakeholders would embrace the new policy. When questioned about the similarity to the previous government’s policy, Mr Ronaldson said, “This is a completely new policy sunshine, I can’t remember them promoting the use of recycled rubber in sex toys.”

“This is a positive step towards reducing the workload in my office and allowing me to spend more time at the Parliamentary Bar,” Mr Ronaldson said.

 

This is an extract from More Gravy Please! The Politician’s Manual available at Amazon & Creatspace.

About George Fripley
I am a writer who enjoys writing humour, satire, poetry and sometimes a bit of philosophy. I live in Perth, Western Australia and occasionally get a poem or article published. It's all good fun! I have two books available for unwary readers, Grudges, Rumours and Drama Queens- The Civil Servant's Manual (This contains all that anybody could ever want to know about why government runs so slowly) and More Gravy Please! - the Politician's Handbook. (available through Amazon)

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