Insidious….

Something happened to me at lunchtime today…in fact it is happening right now. It’s still happening as I write, and it is truly awful.

I was sitting in a cafe trying to write a short blogpost about music, local music here in Perth, great music in fact, but nothing was coming to mind. Now, I knew what I wanted to write in a general sense, but nothing was getting from brain to keyboard. I thought it was just me having a bit of a block, not quite being able to let go from work at lunchtime (or maybe feeling guilty ‘cos I planned to go out for run, but here I was not running) or something along those lines.

But it wasn’t that.

No.

What was happening,  was that I was gradually becoming  aware that my thought processes were being overtaken by an insidious earworm, a version of The Eagles’ Lyin’ Eyes being played over the speaker system. But it wasn’t The Eagles, it was some muzak version, and it was being horribly mangled. There were, possibly, lyrics being sung, or droned, but they were merging with the painfully banal keyboards so that what I could hear was a tune I knew, but could not quite place for a while. This momentary confusion stalled all other thought processes to the point that I became paralysed in that moment with nothing in my head but the desperate need to understand why I was so fascinated by the ear-torture being inflicted on the whole cafe clientele. I don’t mind The Eagles, I have a couple of albums, but I do mind their songs being mangled in the name of ambience. And then it hit me, I now had no chance of writing the short post I wanted to write and realised that this was the blogpost I had to write today.

So, thanks to a, quite frankly appalling choice of ambience creation tool, probably by a management tool , I will not longer be entering this establishment unless they get professional help in choosing music.

George

Dim Matter & el-presidentium

Before I put up a couple of music-related posts next week, I thought I’d do one more ‘science-based’ post…it’s a bit of a rehash from a few years ago, but here goes

 

Dim matter is believed to make up 85 percent of the bureaucracy. However, because it doesn’t emit or absorb any daylight, it can’t be seen or even proven to exist. It expresses itself as Dim Flow, which can clearly be measured in the difference between the time a straightforward process should take, and the time it actually takes when implemented within a bureaucracy.
This Dim flow emits Dim energy, which has the effect of dragging into line any person who enters a bureaucracy with the result that they implement the bureaucratic systems with vigour and intent. These people eventually have their grey matter turned into dim matter by all the dim energy pervading the system.
If you are interested in the discovery of Dim matter and bureaucracy you could, if you feel inclined, read this article

After the success in discovering Dim Matter and its relationship with a new particle, the Positively Energized Moron, and the relationship between dark matter and bureaucracy (https://anothergrumpycommuter.wordpress.com/2012/11/28/dark-matter-and-its-relationship-to-bureaucracy-a-monologue), I have now made another startling discovery. A new isotope of the element presidentium – presidentium 2016, also known as el-presidentium. I will enlighten you with the following:

• el-presidentium often appears out of nothing when too much Dim Matter accumulates in one area, and some of the Positively Energised Morons can become attracted to each other. The presence of further amounts of dim matter excites these morons, and they often go spinning off at random directions. When this happens, the morons will disperse, then attach themselves to other random molecules.
• However, if this small group of positively energized morons manages to hold itself together, it then floats around and steals more morons from other collections of dim matter that it comes across until there are enough morons to form el-presidentium.
• Unlike conventional atoms that require a nucleus of neutrons and protons to hold it together and form stability, el-presidentium is a lightweight element made up entirely of morons flying around a central vacuum. The faster these morons travel, the greater the vacuum becomes. This central vacuum is known as a farcicum.
• When enough positively energized morons manage to coalesce,  the vacuum increases in power to the point where it becomes unstable and has the potential to collapse in on itself resulting in the formation of a super-dense entity known as a peculiarity (rather like a singularity, but without the gravity, mass, or substance).
• This peculiarity is so dense that none of the positively energized morons can escape and they are forever trapped. This then becomes a new form of el-presidentium, known as Dementium. A peculiar property of Dementium is that it repels all common sense.

Further work needs to be carried out on el-presidentium, but for now, many scientists are convinced that it is a fairly rare and random element that acts as a sanctuary for stray morons.

A Critical Case revisited

 

I have amended the original story slightly…hence the repost.

 

A CRITICAL CASE

Doctor Tony Carter watched as the stretcher crashed through the doors to the Emergency Room. Trailing behind the paramedics, half running, half sobbing, was a young woman.

Carter looked down at the patient as he spoke. ‘How bad is he?’

‘Bad. Really bad. It looks like he might go critical!’ said one of the paramedics.

‘Where was he found?’

‘He was just sitting in a meeting room talking to a whiteboard. They called his wife,’ she said nodding towards the woman, ‘but she couldn’t help. And we can’t wipe that infuriating smile off his face.’

Carter nodded, ‘Yeah, it is infuriating, isn’t it. Do you know if there have been any other symptoms?’

‘Apparently his work colleagues have noticed that he has an unhealthy obsession with PowerPoint presentations, and he has been rambling on every now and then about things nobody understands, not even his bosses.’

Carter scratched his head. This sounded like a textbook case. ‘Okay then. I’ll take it from here. Just move him into Room 7 please.’

‘Can I come in?’ The young woman tugged at Carter’s arm, her voice breaking.

‘Not yet. I’ll need some time alone with him…er…you’re husband?’

‘Yes. Joel. Joel Barham. I’m Cath…oh tell me he’ll be ok…please!’

‘I really can’t say at the moment. I’ll let you know once I’ve had a look at him.’ He watched her crumple onto a bench as he hurried after his patient. Damn! This was never easy, but was better to deal with this sort of thing without complications.

Joel Barham sat up as Carter entered the room. ‘I have a vision…and a mission…and I’m committed to value-adding.’

Carter ignored him and sat down to commence his work. He spent a little bit of time jotting a few notes on a pad before he turned to his patient.

‘I believe your name is Joel Barham. Is that correct?’

‘I’ve met my KPIs this month, and that means our deliverables are going to match our targets.’

‘Yes I’m sure they will, but can you…’

‘Moving forward I think we should challenge our ingrained paradigms and possibly rewrite our Mission Statement. What do you think?’

‘Try to concentrate Joel. I just want you to answer my questions. I want to make sure that you’re OK.’

‘I’m fine doc. It’s just a misunderstanding. I have to get back to finish my quarterly reporting and reinvigorate my flexible resource units. We need a rapid prototype strategic plan to avoid the possibility of negative growth, and to also undertake some corporate capacity building in order to provide synergistic programmatic specificities.’ Joel looked at Carter with a sparkle in his eyes. This was fun. Lots of fun.

Carter had a sinking feeling. He’d seen all this before. ‘Ok then let’s see if you can still logically reason. Are you able to do that?’

‘Poly-dimensional functional competency matrix!’

‘Yes. Well I think I have my answer. Next question. Do you have any difficulty in reading plain English?’

‘Outcomes, outcomes, outcomes.’

‘I think we’ll call that a ‘yes’. Don’t you?’

‘Unintended quantum leakage!’

Carter sighed and bowed his head. ‘There’s no point in taking this interview further. I think I’ve heard enough. You just sit there and relax and I’ll go and a talk with your wife.’

‘Systematic rationalisation of the operational paradigms.’

‘Quite so.’

Carter left the room and sat down with Cath Barham. He looked into her pleading eyes. She was desperate for good news, but he had none to give. He really did hate this part of the job.

‘What’s wrong with him? Is it bad?’

‘I’m afraid your husband is suffering from an acute case of compulsive jargon. I’ve seen a lot of this in recent months. It’s a condition that can strike at any time. There isn’t much you can do about it.’

Tears welled up in Cath’s eyes. ‘Is it really that serious? He’s only thirty-nine! Is there any hope of recovery?’

Carter sighed. ‘Not really. He’s destined for a career in middle management, or, if his symptoms get worse, which they might, he will become a management consultant who speaks nothing but management wankwords.’ Then, seeing her face, he added, ‘but don’t worry, people will pay loads of money for him to do that.’

But his attempts to soften the blow failed and Cath Barham began crying uncontrollably. At that moment her husband was wheeled past. ‘Oh Joel,’ was all she could say between her heaving sobs.

‘‘Enhanced synergistic benchmarking!’ he replied.

More Quantum (Mechanics)

Time for another post. Last week I talked about quantum positions, and I think it’s safe to say I resolved that we could believe in them, or not believe in them, because that’s sort of what they are – a sort of potential ‘thing’ that exists in some form or other, somewhere, but it’s not exactly clear where. Sorted!

Today I want to talk about the quantum mechanics. This is a fine profession, and far more satisfying than working as an ordinary mechanic. Quantum mechanics often work in car dealerships, although they are also well known in the smaller independent businesses. If you want to start working as a quantum mechanic you need to be able to work in parallel universes. This is a tough gig that requires attention to detail and is probably why so many quantum mechanics make the mistake of ticking off jobs that they did on your car when in fact they did them in another universe and not the one they thought they were in. No, don’t laugh. It’s a very real problem. How tough do you think it is to keep track of your jobs in such a situation?

Your oil was changed when you got your car serviced, but not in this universe. The same for all those seals that were changed and the battery that was replaced. The wheel alignment was in fact done, albeit for your alternate satisfied self in another far off universe where you are happily motoring along in a well-functioning vehicle, not the one you got back with very little work apparently done on it and that has cost you a small fortune. The poor quantum mechanic was confused and disorientated due to the temporal and spatial changes, not sure where they were or what they had done that day. It’s quite understandable.

So, being a quantum mechanic is a lucrative business, which can potentially allow for multiple hours to be claimed in parallel. You can be in two different places at once, working on two different cars, just remember not to get those checklists mixed up. One of the added benefits of this job is also that you can be watching the football, having a beer in the pub, or even taking a light post-lunch snooze, and be working on a car at the same time. This is a career choice well worth considering.

Until next time
George.

New Edition and New Cover for Grudges, Rumours & Drama Queens

Hi all,

I have made some minor amendments and improvements to only office handbook you’ll ever need! Yes indeed. A great new cover courtesy of boldfoxdesigns.com and some additional guidance on appearing busy using emails and how to take advantage of departmental mergers and splits, plus few other little tweaks.

More Gravy Please! Now available free through BookFunnel for a limited time

  1. yes indeed, for a short while you can download More Gravy Please! for free right this is a satirical politician’s manual that will have you laughing (or crying). Download it here. Bookfunnel

The Langorian Queen is now out!

Yes, I’ve finally got this story to a point where I am comfortable to release it (with a great cover courtesy of  boldfoxdesigns.com). It is available at Amazon.com, Amazon.co.uk, amazon.com.au and soon in many more places. I am genuinely excited to get this out there. If you read it, let me know what you think.

Langoria is a land where the magic is fading. The only magic is what you bring in with you, but even then, it is easy to use it up. Some people arrive with none, some with a little, some with a lot. You’d want to have some if you were an integral part of a prophecy that says you’ll save the land.

Tarquin, Jemima, Kylie, and Wayne find themselves fighting an army from neighboring Gomania with just a few sacred items for comfort, alongside a Queen who they’re not sure that they trust, in charge of a small army with internal divisions. It soon dawns on them that they are fighting not only for Langoria, but for their lives?

Cheers, George

%d bloggers like this: