The Complete Dregs of History – now available as an e-book

Yes – after putting it off for months, maybe even years, the revised and Complete Dregs of History is available as an EBook for your eyes to feast upon – all 90 characters from http://www.dregsofhistory.blogspot.com  are there. – Enjoy it here  Complete Dregs of History

Oh, if only I could find a good one…

An old one but a relevant one come every election

My Futile Search

I’m told  there is talent in our political system
But I’ve looked pretty hard and it seems that I’ve missed ‘em
I took myself off through the corridors of power
It made me depressed and got worse by the hour
‘Cos all of the members to whom I was presented
Acted like kids or were clearly demented
The place was just full of these crushing old bores
The whining idealists, political whores.
When I finally left I felt soiled and stained
And wondered aloud about what could be gained
If we chucked this lot out and elected some more
But the reality was that I couldn’t be sure
That they wouldn’t just argue like immature gits
And continue to give the taxpayer the shits.

Over the Horizon

Comatose on a palm-fringed beach of my desert island,

cool currents of contentment swirl around my ankles,

the lazy sunshine of relaxation warms my skin,

boats full of refugees pass within shouting distance.

 

Every so often one comes ashore to offer rescue,

eyes searching in vain for my shipwrecked craft.

“To go where?” I ask

“To Paradise,” they say.

“I’m happy here.”

“But it’s just over the horizon,  we’re almost there.”

 

Watching them disappear over my horizon,

I can’t help wondering if they’ll ever reach theirs.

WARP enters the election race

WARP enters the election race – for the election – date to be advised

As it is clear that Australian is heading to the polls – eventually, maybe sooner than later, in true political style WARP is recycling its policy platform for the coming election and this is our manifesto…

We promise to lower income taxes

We promise to lower business taxes

We promise to reduce the deficit

We promise to solve the refugee problem – well at least find a good excuse to not solve it

We promise to give free education

We promise to give free health care

We promise to have a strong defence policy

We promise to stay in Eurovision

We promise to leave Eurovision

We promise that there is life on Mars, and maybe even in Western Australia too

We promise world peace, or at least peace in Canberra

We promise that all lawyers are nice people

And accountants and real estate agents and bankers too, but possibly not politicians, even us

We promise to prove that unicorns really do exist

We promise to ban reality TV and that annoying fixation on food and renovation programs

We promise to keep Johnny Depp’s dogs alive should they revisit Australia

We promise to attend to your every need, whatever that might be

We promise to review all our promises should we be elected and see reality; and finally

Should we be elected, we promise to find numerous ways to deny we ever made any promises in the first place.

So….VOTE FOR WARP – get  Australia up to WARP FACTOR 10!

 

Cross posted from http://www.westernaustralianwarp.wordpress.com

Ron Ronaldson – press announcement

Ron Ronaldson Minister for Recycling Ideas makes the most of tyres

Recycling Minister Ron Ronaldson today announced that there will be a complete ban on the dumping of used tyres into landfill in the United Kingdom.

 The Government announced it would phase out the dumping of loose tyres and significantly boost recycling. Instead of sending tyres to landfill, the Government is now committed to using recycled vehicle tyres to create colourful playground surfaces and footpaths, rubber sex toys, and pointless disposable items that will end up being thrown away within a few months of their purchase.

“There are lots of these bloody tyres floating around and not being properly used all over the country, contributing considerable  tonnage of waste to landfills each year – it’s in the bloody millions,” Mr Ronaldson said.

“This is a big problem; if you laid all these tyres in a line, they would form a barrier that would be at least 700km long. We could in fact use it to stop all these bloody foreigners coming in, but apparently I’m not allowed to say that.” he said.

“This ban will eliminate the majority of people who constantly take up my time by writing letters to me about this subject. Rather than write letters to me you should write to the makers of these tyres to let them know what the problems are. ‘

 Once put back on track Mr Ronaldson added, “We can now use this valuable resource for road surfacing ‘soft-fall’ playground surfaces, golf walkways, synthetic turf, horse walkways, ‘traffic calming’ products such as speed humps, bitumen additives for road paving and other useful products such as rubber sex toys.”

When asked about using the tyres to create false reefs Mr Ronaldson said, “We’re not in Australia you idiot. This is England and the sea is bloody freezing. Get a grip will you! The best method to manage and dispose of tyre waste has been the subject of much discussion and I haven’t got much of a clue about the right answer, but the boffins tell me this new policy will do the trick.”

 “A seven-stage strategy will be implemented by the Environment boffins and then Hey Presto! the problem will be solved. I have every confidence in them.”

 Mr Ronaldson said he had complete confidence that all stakeholders would embrace the new policy. When questioned about the similarity to the previous government’s policy, Mr Ronaldson said, “This is a completely new policy sunshine, I can’t remember them promoting the use of recycled rubber in sex toys.”

“This is a positive step towards reducing the workload in my office and allowing me to spend more time at the Parliamentary Bar,” Mr Ronaldson said.

 

This is an extract from More Gravy Please! The Politician’s Manual available at Amazon & Creatspace.

Fulton Farnsworth Fletcher

It’s at this time of year that I like to remember Fulton Farnswoth Fletcher … one of the true Dregs of History

 

Known to his friends as Fletch or Farnsie, Fulton Farnsworth Fletcher was a prominent figure in Yorkshire sporting circles. He played cricket, usually at the lowest possible level, as well as 23rd division Sunday morning football. His mediocre talents were spread across numerous teams, all of which tried very hard to get him to join them.

His talents were more in social rather than sporting arenas. Fletcher was an accomplished Saturday Night Specialist.

He led the drinking and visits to Indian restaurants with a passion and vigour second to none. It was not unknown for him to down 15-20 pints of a variety of real ales, follow them with rum or whisky chasers, and then consume a vindaloo curry, or perhaps two.

Fletcher was no stranger to his local job centre; he found it difficult to hold on to a job for more than a few months at a time. He lived in a small council flat in Bradford where, it was later found out, he spent his time attempting to write poetry in his brief moments of mental clarity. He specialised in his own individual version of the Japanese Haiku which he applied to the local social and industrial landscape. His seminal work is considered, by many totally unqualified to judge, to be his classic series of five haikus entitled A Saturday Night Out In Bradford.

Fulton Fletcher died early at the age of 45 in tragic circumstances. He had been out drinking copious amounts of beer and spirits and had ill-advisedly followed this with a nuclear-strength curry. The next morning, while sitting on the toilet reading the Sunday Sport, his arse exploded taking him to the next world. R.I.P. Fulton Farnsworth Fletcher.

 

A Saturday Night Out In Bradford

 

A night on the town

One pub after another

Who’s buying my drink?

 

Navigating crowds

Did you spill my pint sunshine?

Got my lights punched out.

 

The fiery curry

Challenges constitutions

A warm wind blows strong

 

Falling on pavements

Fighting the urge to vomit

Where’s my house gone mate?

 

Sat in the throne room

My arse a ring of fire

Torturous hours

This is an extract from The Complete Dregs of History which is available Here

6 questions for all aspiring politicians

Our politicians often become the brunt of criticism and sometimes have abuse hurled their way. We all like to stick the knife in as they continually make us grind our teeth and shout at the television. Still, there are always people who aspire to these lofty heights, so if you have ever thought about becoming a politician I have some advice for you. It is, to be sure, a fine and worthwhile career choice; however, before you leap into the quagmire of politics you should ask yourself some very serious questions. Think carefully about the environment into which you are heading and the likelihood that you will chewed up and spat out very quickly. I know that you will be feeling a fair degree of uncertainty and so I have devised a few questions that will help you decide whether you are made of the Right Stuff for politics.

Q1 – Have you ever made a mistake?

 It is a well-known fact that very few politicians have ever made a mistake, so if you believe you have made a mistake, no matter how trivial, you are clearly unsuitable for a political career. If you have never made a mistake, ever, then you have the right mental make-up to start thinking about standing at the next election.

Q2 – Have you lost your grip on reality?

 Being remote from reality is essential for a politician – it makes decisions far easier to reach. There is no chance of becoming lost in the myriad of opinions and inconveniences that is the everyday life of the common person. If you know what the average weekly wage is, the cost of a loaf of bread, or how many people are currently suffering from mortgage stress (and what that actually means), then you are already filling your mind with too much information about the real world. You will most likely to reach a state of mental paralysis. How can you possibly come to a decision if you are trying to balance out the needs of all the community?  It is far better to choose a small but influential group of stakeholders and concentrate on keeping them happy. Once you have done this you can make quick and un-researched statements to the media whenever required. If you are a Minister, you may also be able to make quick and un-researched policy decisions. Surrounding yourself with staff similarly removed from the demands of the real world will help, as they will support you by not asking difficult questions.

Q3 – Do you lack moral and ethical substance as a person but have the hide of rhino?

 A good set of morals and ethics are a hindrance for politics as they may cause you to have sleepless nights and start to believe that you need a better grip on reality. You may even begin to think that you need to know more about the underprivileged and the challenges that they face. If you believe that this may occur then do not, I repeat, do not enter politics under any circumstances – you will very quickly be reduced to a burbling and rambling idiot when confronted by skilled politicians. I suggest you go and hug a tree instead –  at least the tree will not stab you in the back at the first opportunity.

Q4 – Do you have some skeletons in the closet?

 No self-respecting politician is without a past that involved something dodgy. If you haven’t been shagging prostitutes, defrauding business partners, assaulting people after a few drinks too many, had, or still have, an addiction of some sort, or been a member of a political organisation that skated on the limits of legality, then you will need to remedy this. You have two options – you can either delay your entry into politics until you have achieved some of the aforementioned, or you can work on them during your first few years in the job.

 Q5 – Can you make bad decisions in the face of overwhelming evidence and common sense?

This is a core capability for all politicians, but becomes more important as you rise through the ranks. The ability to ignore all evidence and fly in the face of common-sense when called upon to make a decision is a valued skill in Parliament. I have included a chapter on this later in the book.

Q6 – Do you have nagging inner voice telling you that you are destined for greater things

If you do, you are probably in the early stages of narcissism and have begun to believe that people actually do want to listen to you when you speak.  You may even believe that people value your judgement on current events.  If this is the case, then being a politician will provide you with the opportunity to test out this theory. You could have an audience of millions of people to talk to and, if you are smart you will surround yourself with numerous spin doctors and assistants who will convince you that the reaction of the masses to your ill-thought-out drivel is positive, no matter what they actually think. When this happens you will no doubt become convinced that your true greatness has finally come to the fore.

If you find that that you have answered yes to the all questions above, then I am pleased to tell you that may well have a long and successful political career ahead of you.

 

This is an extract from my book More Gravy Please! – a politicians manual.

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