Sir Roger d’Enwharey (1957 – present)

Sir Roger d’Enwharey is a founding partner in the well-respected public relations company – d’Enwharey, Koppett & Suphor. Sir Roger has been contracted numerous to run election campaigns in numerous countries throughout the world, and has a greater than 80% record in receiving payment for his services. A self-confessed cynic who sold his soul to advertising at the tender age of seventeen, he has made it his business to understand how messages can be best communicated to the general public without them being conscious of the facts. He is of the opinion that manipulation of the population is an art that needs consummate attention to detail and should not be attempted by those with morals or ethics.

De Enwharey, Koppett & Suphor have previously conducted successful campaigns that managed to convince people that politicians are underpaid, that politicians spend far too much time in parliament, and that all those who earn under 100K per year should not be allowed to vote. Sir Roger is currently working with an unnamed government to produce a strategy to guarantee their re-lection, involving demonisation of minorities, increasing taxes on the disabled, and a hard-line against the homeless.

When interviewed, Sir Roger offered the following advice to those thinking of entering the political public relations industry:

• Promote a politician not on what he has achieved, but on what his opposite number has not achieved.
• A clear vision and sincerity are not enough for an election campaign, it must also involve significant deceit and be staffed with people with the morals of an alley cat on heat, or it will fail.
• Hypocrisy in the speeches, the arrogance of the barefaced lie, and the contempt in which they hold the public. The HAC method is the foundation of a well run campaign.
• Political life is divided into three terms – that which was promised, that which is actually delivered, and that which will remain believable for the next election.
• Tell people they need more debt, more lollies, more mod cons, whatever seems appropriate, and denounce those who disagree as being unpatriotic and exposing the country to recession, danger, or ridicule. It works the same in any country.

A Message From the Director-General

The Department for Avoiding the Blame (DAB) is recognised as one of the world’s leading government departments.

By virtue of DAB’s size, experienced directors, incomprehensive and random policies, and resolute stance on not making any significant decisions, it has maintained a world class bureaucratic system that defers or ignores at least 80 percent of decisions it is asked to make or questions it is asked to respond to. This level of inefficiency has not been achieved anywhere else in the world.

Our knowledge of our politicians is by no means complete. We are learning how our new cabinet, and we are still trying to understand the short and long term consequences of the various intellectual capability of the various Ministers, such as those including health, climate change, and treasury.

The Annual Report (2012) provided a snapshot of our indicators. It showed that we were achieving an acceptable level of hot air output and that there was an increasing level of confusion in the general community about the purpose of DAB. While our structure was in reasonable shape, the report did indicate that there were emerging opportunities to add additional layers of bureaucracy to the system and that a sound strategic plan should identify where DAB can act on these opportunities.

The Government has made recent statements about reviewing and restructuring the government machine, including making risky changes to speed up decision-making within the bureaucracy. It has also flagged merging and splitting departments.

All of this creates potential risks for DAB and other departments, however DAB’s leadership team are committed to maintaining it aim of succeeding at the expanse of everybody else and will continue to work towards that goal.

DAB can play an important role in the workings of government.  It has the duty – on behalf of all of the public and, more importantly, the many esteemed ancestors of the current bureaucracy, to rigorously refuse to make progress on any proposals or policies, and to determine what impact this will have in inconveniencing other departments and private companies, and whether those impacts and obstinate refusal to use common-sense are of sufficient bloody-mindedness to frustrate everybody to an acceptable level.

Based on its own analysis, and drawing on the best scientific advice from other areas of Government, academics and the private sector, DAB will then ensure that it has the required tool to avoid blame for any delays and or financial losses. If it does its job well it will remain largely anonymous.

DAB also provides strategic advice to Government on key issues so that it can engineer its continuing anonymity and gain large slices of funding at the expense of other departments and non-government organisations without being asked to produce anything of any substance in return.

The complexity and volume of matters now coming to DAB, and increasing community expectations about the rigour and timeliness of decisions, means that DAB is failing, to some extent, in its quest for anonymity, it must therefore continue to embrace, and even promote, reform to ensure that roadblocks are placed where most effective and that the development of Government Function Inhibitors (GFI) progresses in a timely and efficient manner.

This Strategic Plan outlines the context in which DAB currently operates and its strategies and priorities for the period 2010-2013.  The plan also articulates DAB’s vision for reforming its practices to stay abreast of the changing social and economic conditions in which it operates.

Finally, this Strategic Plan is not a static document. It will be regularly reviewed and refined to better focus the efforts of DAB in fighting needless and expensive efforts to smooth out the current administrative systems to ensure that it meets its obligations to enrage and frustrate the community, business and the Government of the day.

 

Bartholomew Menzies-Thatcher

Director General

March 2010

Fitzherbert Hobson (yet another of the Dregs of History)

Fitzherbert Hobson (1829 – 1861)

Fitzherbert Hobson was a bit of chancer, well alright, he was a petty thief and thug. I was only trying to be nice.

He came to Australia by choice after managing to evade capture for his numerous brushes with the law. These usually involved the consumption of the demon drink followed by some unwise words that almost invariably led to fights with his fellow drinkers. He chose Melbourne as his new home. But after a while, and some unsuccessful attempts at getting gainful employment (usually because he stole from or assaulted somebody in the workplace), he found himself without money of lodgings. Things were getting serious. He handled this by once more finding some drink and thumping somebody, this time a policeman. He soon found some lodgings, although they weren’t to his taste – the iron bars rather spoiled the view.

One night he managed to escape from prison after assaulting the guards, and went on the run. For some weeks he spent his time stealing food and sleeping rough in the bush, but he knew that this was not going to last forever. Desperate to avoid capture, he joined up with an expedition to travel from Melbourne to the Gulf of Carpentaria. It was to be led by one William O’Hara Burke, a man with dubious bush skills and knowledge. Hobson had some misgivings, but he thought he’d tag along for a while until they reached another town. He didn’t realise that their destination was some 2000 miles away through desert. He was, also like many immigrants, unaware of the true scale of Australia.

He left with the expedition on 20 August 1860 and that was the last he saw of Melbourne. Despite his dislike of camels, and propensity to keep asking for alcoholic drinks, of which there were few, he buckled down and for the first time in his life was a useful member of society. As the expedition stumbled on to its conclusion, he finally became disenchanted with its leaders, and started writing uncomplimentary entries in his journal. He was particularly upset that there was nothing left to steal and no booze.

It is a little known fact that Hobson was with Burke, Wills, and King, and was also left at Coopers Creek after the rest of the party had departed some nine hours before they arrived back from the Gulf. Unlike King, he did not survive, instead choosing to wander off to take his chances on his own. His body was never found, but his journal was. His last entry, dated Another fucking hot day in the furnace 1861 was a poem to his expedition leaders.

Ode to Burke and Wills

I hate this sunstruck country
This land of bone-dry plains
Where all the leaves are faded green
And it never fucking rains

I joined this screwed up escapade
‘Cos I was starved and stony broke
But bloody Burke and thickie Wills
Were leading us, well that’s a joke.

As we walked for miles through barren ground
I realised my mistake
This pair of tools from Melbourne
Were as mad as two cut snakes.

And then it finally hit me
I couldn’t take it anymore
And that my brain had now been fried
By those fucking clueless bores.

I left them by their favourite tree
And told King it had been fun
But ‘cos of those two fuckwits
I was desiccating in the sun.

So now I sit here dying
Somewhere out the back of Bourke
‘Cos of thickie and his sidekick
And just ‘cos I needed work.

 

This is an extract from The Complete Dregs of History Which is available here

My Funky Bassline

 

It was a steamy summer’s day and I had a tortured soul,

I was being persecuted by the gods of rock’n’roll.

I had a funky bassline imprinted on my mind,

It was trying to escape; there was someone I had to find.

 

I went looking for the Funkster, the only man around,

Who could help me add this rhythm to a groovy little sound.

There was nothing else to do that could ease my suffering brain,

And release that little beat that was driving me insane.

 

On my way down to his joint I maintained exclusion zones,

With my unexploded rhythm vibrating through my bones.

And I got the strangest looks from other people on the street,

As I walked the paving stones with a syncopated beat.

 

When I reached his place he asked me, ‘How can I help you man?’

And I said ‘I’ve got this funky bassline and I need a helping hand.’

‘No worries mate,’ he told me, ‘I’ll see what I can do,

It’s a crime to find a bassline and fail to follow through.’

 

 So he sat me on his couch and I hummed my funky music,

And his face lit at once and he said, ‘YEAH, I can use it!’

He left the room for hours, but then when he returned,

He played me the result, a CD that he’d burned.

 

He’d mixed guitars and drums with my groovy little bass,

And my syncopated rhythm had finally found its place.

But no sooner had I left him, I was once again afflicted,

With a catchy little bassline, it seems that I’m addicted.

 

I hear music all the time and it comes from everywhere

And new rhythms make me nervous and it doesn’t seem quite fair,

That I get funky tunes appearing, and the Funkster soothes my soul,

And I’m fated to be tortured by the gods of rock’n’roll.

Dark Matter and its Relationship to Bureaucracy – a monologue

The search for dark matter has occupied the minds of many of the brightest scientists in the world. They can’t see it and are continually searching for signs of its existence. It must be there, there is so much mass that is unaccounted for, that without it there is a great big hole in many theories. This is important for our understanding of the universe…it really is.

I believe that I have discovered where at least some of this dark matter lies. To explain this, I need to show how dark matter relates to gravity, and also, as I will explain, to bureaucracy. I have spent many years trying to track down dark matter and how it might relate to gravitational anomalies. I believe that I have proven that, not only can dark matter be the cause of such anomalies, but that it also drawn to situations where there is already significant gravity.

Through a combination of empirical analysis and experimentation, I have found that the gravity of situations is exponentially increased by the presence of a type of dark matter, which I have called dim matter. When there is too much dim matter present, the gravity of some situations can get to the point of implosion, or explosion, depending on the nature of the matter at hand. When I examined dim matter in detail, I found it to be an isotope of the recently discovered element, yet to be formally named, currently called Futilium. This element has a half-life of approximately 280 milliseconds, almost equal to the life of a good idea in government. However, further has demonstrated that the structure can be changed to make it more stable – in the short term. This isotope has one extra electron, with no apparent function, and has been named bureaucrium.

The normal structure of Futilium is 195 neutrons and 122 each of protons and electrons, giving it an atomic mass of 317. Usually in and out of existence in the blink of an eye, this element’s negatively charged electrons can, in some instances, start attracting a new type of particle – the positively energized moron. These morons, while never being part of bureaucrium, hang around and cause the element to become increasingly reactive until saturation point is reached. Once so overwhelmed, it begins to suck any energy it can out of the surrounding environment. Once this occurs morons are repelled; however, this does not appear to stop increasing numbers of morons wanting to attach themselves. These excess morons then hang in a cloud around any situation of gravity that they can find, awaiting the opportunity to latch on. They then travel around in ever decreasing circles until they crash into the nucleus, at which point they can cause an explosion.

Positively energized morons have been shown to add no weight to any situation and, in fact, consist mainly of a vacuum with very little surrounding substance. The sheer number of morons that are attracted to situations of significant gravity eventually leads to increased mass and instability. However, this was only half of the story. I then needed to find out where the dim matter (and all the additional morons) came from. By studying situations of significant gravity, I soon realised that there were carriers of dim matter which would quietly attach themselves to unstable situations dangerously increasing the gravity. Drama Queens have been identified as the major carriers, but politicians, bureaucrats and fanatics of all sorts are also carriers. I then had to track where this dim matter was picked up by the carriers.

One theory that I am following up is that there is a huge black hole composed of dim matter within each of the parliaments around the world, and that these are major attractors of drama queens, and other carriers, to those institutions. These carriers then go and spread gravity to situations throughout their country, often taking positively energized morons with them. Dim matter also appears to replace grey matter in carriers. Once bureaucrium had been characterized, the search for more of the morons was on. It has since been proven that there are indeed large numbers of positively energized morons in governments and all major bureaucracies throughout the world. They add extended life to bureaucrium through their leaching of energy from the environment, and have been attracting increasing numbers of similar morons to affected institutions. So, the dark matter that resides in bureaucracies is really dim matter that symbiotically reacts with many, many morons that travel around in ever-decreasing circles before reaching critical mass and exploding. Fallout from bureaucratic explosions (and implosions) has a half-life in excess of 20 years.

More gems of unlikely wisdom can be found in the book Grudges, Rumours & Drama Queens – the ultimate guide for navigating government. If you feel so inclined it is available at Amazon and Createspace.

A Critical Case

A Critical Case

 

Doctor Tony Carter watched as the stretcher crashed through the doors to the Emergency Room. Trailing behind, half running, half sobbing was a young woman. Carter looked down at the patient. ‘How bad is he?’

‘Bad. Really bad. It looks like he might go critical!’

‘Where was he found?’

‘He was just comatose in the street.’

Carter nodded, ‘Ok then. I’ll take it from here. Just move him into Room 7 please.’

‘Can I come in?’ The young woman tugged at Carter’s arm, her voice breaking.

‘Not yet. I’ll need some time alone with him…er…you’re husband?’

‘Yes. Joel. Joel Barham. I’m Cath…oh tell me he’ll be ok…please!’

‘I really can’t say at the moment. I’ll let you know once I’ve had a look at him.’ He watched her crumple onto a bench as he hurried after his patient. Damn! He hated leaving people hanging.

 

Joel Barham sat up as Carter entered the room. ‘I have a vision…and a mission…and I’m committed to value-adding.’

Carter ignored him and sat down to commence his work. He spent a little bit of time jotting a few notes on a pad before he turned to his patient.

‘I believe your name is Joel Barham. Is that correct?’

‘I’ve met my KPIs this month, and that means our deliverables are going to match our targets.’

‘Yes I’m sure they will, but can you…’

‘Moving forward I think we should challenge our ingrained paradigms and possibly rewrite our Mission Statement. What do you think?’

‘Try to concentrate Joel. I just want you to answer my questions. I want to make sure that you’re OK.’

‘I’m fine doc. It’s just a misunderstanding. I have to get back to finish my quarterly reporting and reinvigorate my flexible resource units. We need a rapid prototype strategic plan to avoid the possibility of negative growth, and to also undertake some corporate capacity building in order to provide synergistic programmatic specificities.’ Joel looked at Carter with a sparkle in his eyes. This was fun. Lots of fun.

Carter had a sinking feeling. He’d seen all this before. ‘Ok then let’s see if you can still logically reason. Are you able to do that?’

Poly-dimensional functional competency matrix!’

‘Yes. Well I think I have my answer. Next question. Do you have any difficulty in reading plain English?’

‘Outcomes, outcomes, outcomes.’

‘I think we’ll call that a ‘yes’. Don’t you?’

‘Unintended quantum leakage!’

Carter sighed and bowed his head. ‘There’s no point in taking this interview further. I think I’ve heard enough. You just sit there and relax and I’ll go and a talk with your wife.’

‘Systematic rationalisation of the operational paradigms.’

‘Quite so.’

 

 

Carter sat down with Cath Barham and looked into her pleading eyes. She was desperate for good news, but he had none to give. He really did hate this part of the job.

‘What’s wrong with him? Is it bad?’

‘I’m afraid your husband is suffering from an acute case of compulsive jargon. I’ve seen a lot of this in recent months. It’s a condition that can strike at any time. There isn’t much you can do about it.’

Tears welled up in Cath’s eyes. ‘Is it really that serious? He’s only thirty-two…is there any hope of recovery?’

‘Not really. He’s destined for a career in middle management, or if his symptoms get worse, which they might, he will become a management consultant.’

Cath Barham began crying uncontrollably. At that moment her husband was wheeled past. ‘Oh Joel,’ was all she could say between her heaving sobs.

‘‘Enhanced synergistic benchmarking!’  he replied.

 

 

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