The Last Night

Empty promises rise up from within
accompanied by rose-coloured glasses
always to hand, though they’re not
much help with your head stuck
firmly in the sand, self-suffocating.

Nobody sees the fake smile plastered
across your face; you don’t see the
fake smiles on theirs, as knives screech
and scrape across whetstones, and
they just stare right through you.

There is an itch in the middle of your
back, but that’s not the problem that
bothers you the most – you’re the bread
put under the grill, you’re about
to become toast – you’re through.

They’ll come at dawn.

Tony Abbott limerick

There once was a PM called Tony
Who we thought was a bit of a phoney
When he opened his mouth
The polls headed south
Cos all that came out was baloney

Sir Roger d’Enwharey (1957 – present)

Sir Roger d’Enwharey is a founding partner in the well-respected public relations company – d’Enwharey, Koppett & Suphor. Sir Roger has been contracted numerous to run election campaigns in numerous countries throughout the world, and has a greater than 80% record in receiving payment for his services. A self-confessed cynic who sold his soul to advertising at the tender age of seventeen, he has made it his business to understand how messages can be best communicated to the general public without them being conscious of the facts. He is of the opinion that manipulation of the population is an art that needs consummate attention to detail and should not be attempted by those with morals or ethics.

De Enwharey, Koppett & Suphor have previously conducted successful campaigns that managed to convince people that politicians are underpaid, that politicians spend far too much time in parliament, and that all those who earn under 100K per year should not be allowed to vote. Sir Roger is currently working with an unnamed government to produce a strategy to guarantee their re-lection, involving demonisation of minorities, increasing taxes on the disabled, and a hard-line against the homeless.

When interviewed, Sir Roger offered the following advice to those thinking of entering the political public relations industry:

• Promote a politician not on what he has achieved, but on what his opposite number has not achieved.
• A clear vision and sincerity are not enough for an election campaign, it must also involve significant deceit and be staffed with people with the morals of an alley cat on heat, or it will fail.
• Hypocrisy in the speeches, the arrogance of the barefaced lie, and the contempt in which they hold the public. The HAC method is the foundation of a well run campaign.
• Political life is divided into three terms – that which was promised, that which is actually delivered, and that which will remain believable for the next election.
• Tell people they need more debt, more lollies, more mod cons, whatever seems appropriate, and denounce those who disagree as being unpatriotic and exposing the country to recession, danger, or ridicule. It works the same in any country.


After their success in discovering Dim Matter and its relationship with a new particle, the Positively Energized Moron, in their search for a relationship between dark matter and bureaucracy (, Professor Honor Bender and her student Grant Spender have now made another startling discovery. They have discovered a new element – Teapartium. They have summarized it in the following points:

  • Teapartium often appears out of nothing when too much Dim Matter accumulates in one area, and some of the Positively Energised Morons can become attracted to each other. The presence of further amounts of dim matter excites these morons, and they often go spinning off at random directions. When this happens, the morons will disperse, then attach themselves to other random molecules.
  • However, if this small group of positively energized morons manages to hold itself together, it then floats around and steals more morons from other collections of dim matter that it comes across until there are enough morons to form Teapartium.
  • Unlike conventional atoms that require a nucleus of neutrons and protons to hold it together and form stability, Teapartium is a lightweight element made up entirely of morons flying around a central vacuum. The faster these morons travel, the greater the vacuum becomes. This central vacuum is known as a farcicum.
  • When enough positively energized morons manage to coalesce,  the vacuum increases in power to the point where it becomes unstable and has the potential to collapse in on itself resulting in the formation of a super-dense entity known as a peculiarity (rather like a singularity, but without the gravity, mass, or substance).
  • This peculiarity is so dense that none of the positively energized morons can escape and they are forever trapped. This then becomes a new form of Teapartium, known as dementium. A peculiar property of dementium is that it repels all common sense.

Further work needs to be carried out on Teapartium, but for now Professor Bender and Grant Spender are convinced that it is a fairly random element that acts as a sanctuary for stray morons.

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