More Quantum (Mechanics)

Time for another post. Last week I talked about quantum positions, and I think it’s safe to say I resolved that we could believe in them, or not believe in them, because that’s sort of what they are – a sort of potential ‘thing’ that exists in some form or other, somewhere, but it’s not exactly clear where. Sorted!

Today I want to talk about the quantum mechanics. This is a fine profession, and far more satisfying than working as an ordinary mechanic. Quantum mechanics often work in car dealerships, although they are also well known in the smaller independent businesses. If you want to start working as a quantum mechanic you need to be able to work in parallel universes. This is a tough gig that requires attention to detail and is probably why so many quantum mechanics make the mistake of ticking off jobs that they did on your car when in fact they did them in another universe and not the one they thought they were in. No, don’t laugh. It’s a very real problem. How tough do you think it is to keep track of your jobs in such a situation?

Your oil was changed when you got your car serviced, but not in this universe. The same for all those seals that were changed and the battery that was replaced. The wheel alignment was in fact done, albeit for your alternate satisfied self in another far off universe where you are happily motoring along in a well-functioning vehicle, not the one you got back with very little work apparently done on it and that has cost you a small fortune. The poor quantum mechanic was confused and disorientated due to the temporal and spatial changes, not sure where they were or what they had done that day. It’s quite understandable.

So, being a quantum mechanic is a lucrative business, which can potentially allow for multiple hours to be claimed in parallel. You can be in two different places at once, working on two different cars, just remember not to get those checklists mixed up. One of the added benefits of this job is also that you can be watching the football, having a beer in the pub, or even taking a light post-lunch snooze, and be working on a car at the same time. This is a career choice well worth considering.

Until next time
George.

Quantum Positions

yeah, it’s been a while since I blogged regularly. Jobs and other things tend to get in the way of writing, but I have got my mojo back and will be doing my level best to put up one post a week from here on in. What else are lunch times for, if not cobbling together a blog post. Today’s blog is short…no need get ahead of myself.

so here we go

 

Quantum positions

These are positions that may or may not exist. They often, like quantum particles, occur in waves when companies or departments are merging or splitting. They exist in potential, but cannot be definitively seen to exist, or not exist. They often exist in different forms at the same time, depending on how you view them. A quantum position can be a short-term contract, long-term contract, and a permanent position all at the same time.

This in turn creates quantum budgets. Now we all know that people call budgets quantum for some obscure reason, but these tossers do not know that they are right in some cases, and not just repeating management wankwords that have heard in high-level pointless meetings.

A quantum position leads on to quantum money – money that exists and doesn’t exist at the same time, as well as being money that sits in different accounts at the same time depending on how you view it. A bit like quantum particles and waves, when you put said money through a filter it splits up into its parts and waves goodbye to you at the same time, but may in fact still be sitting in your account (if you have the right sort of finance team).

So what do you do with quantum positions? Well, I’m glad you asked that question. It’s a good question and deserves a well thought through answer. However, all I can say is that a quantum position is a bargaining tool that you should use in gaining more quantum money, because if you can convince your boss and finance that the position exists, then you justify additional quantum which will most likely result in somebody else’s quantum position disappearing.

I hope this given you some insight into quantum positions.

George.

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New Edition and New Cover for Grudges, Rumours & Drama Queens

Hi all,

I have made some minor amendments and improvements to only office handbook you’ll ever need! Yes indeed. A great new cover courtesy of boldfoxdesigns.com and some additional guidance on appearing busy using emails and how to take advantage of departmental mergers and splits, plus few other little tweaks.

More Gravy Please! Now available free through BookFunnel for a limited time

  1. yes indeed, for a short while you can download More Gravy Please! for free right this is a satirical politician’s manual that will have you laughing (or crying). Download it here. Bookfunnel

No morals? No ethics? No conscience? No problem! Become a politician

Want to become a politician? Then More Gravy Please! (the politician’s handbook) by George Fripley, is the book for you – available through numerous Amazon pages. It will take you through what you need to know. Here is a little taster

 

How Parliament Works

As a new Member of Parliament you should spend some time getting properly inducted into the basics of the system.  This will allow you to slide smoothly into your new role with the minimum of fuss.  It would be a mistake to think you know much just because you have read the papers, seen official reports, and watched Question Time on the television. All of these are just for the public to provide assurance that the government is working and there is healthy debate both between parties and within parties. To help you out, this chapter will take you through some of the underlying principles and processes that occur on a daily basis – those that are not reported on in the media.

 

Mutually Assured Distraction

Most parties are reluctant to make actual decisions for fear of making a mistake and causing themselves angst; they prefer to rely on government departments to provide advice about what should happen. As most people know, government departments are also reluctant to make decisions. This leads to a vastly increased likelihood of embarrassing stalemates and inaction, together with a very short list of achievements for that particular sitting of Parliament – usually consisting of the easy no-brainer decisions (although there is no guarantee there will be quick agreement on these) with difficult decisions postponed until the next sitting, or the next, or even the one after that. The theory of Mutually Assured Distraction (MAD) prevents such inaction becoming embarrassing. It is implemented by both major parties and it protects them from a conspicuous lack of progress that will look bad to the electorate…well alright then, worse than it currently does.

MAD ensures that when difficult decisions have to be made, and there is potential for both parties to look incompetent due to their complete lack of ability currently sitting on the front benches, one or other of them will suddenly bring a new issue to the fore. They will flood the media with quotes and headlines. This distraction will, ideally, be a very minor issue that has been blown out of all proportion and / or be an issue that is global and beyond the control of a single country. It may even be time for a skeleton to be let out of a closet and to have a scandal. Whatever the distraction, it will bounce around in the media for months before there is finally a coordinated agreement on what to do. By the time this has happened everybody will have forgotten about the difficult problem that needed to be avoided.

The Party Whips

The Party Whips are not ladies dressed up in leather and thigh-high boots, as most of the public would think when this term is mentioned in the same sentence as politicians. No, they are senior politicians with a distinct and essential role. Because the party hierarchy knows that the general level of understanding of most issues is not that good among most of their Parliamentarians, they employ the whips to run around and tell everybody how to vote. Now, you could be a little insulted by this and feel aggrieved that they do not trust you to make a good decision, or, and I highly recommend this approach, you could be happy that someone else has decided to do your thinking for you and turn your brain to less onerous activities like what you might have for lunch that day. Who wants to have to wrestle with complex and divisive issues if someone else does it for you? Anyhow, if the party whips start getting you down, you can always go and visit the leather-bound ladies with the real whips who really know how to party.

The House Bubble

Contrary to what you are probably hoping, I have not mis-spelt bubbly; I am talking about an imaginary force-field that surrounds Parliament. This bubble prevents politicians getting into too much trouble. It separates them from the outside world. This bubble is to protect you by preventing annoying journalists from pestering you for quotes on a matter of current policy, and to stop members of the great unwashed asking you difficult questions. It also helps keep you at least a decade behind the time, where social attitudes are concerned.

Speeches

 Every now and then you may be required to make a speech in Parliament. This is not a cause for concern or embarrassment – every politician has to do this once in a while. Your speeches will be written for you by people who are skilled at keeping you out of trouble and making sure that what is on the paper in front of you is what your party whips believe is what should be said. On rare occasions you may be required to speak to the general public. In this case the same process applies, except that there is the additional aspect of looking like you are genuinely concerned about the subject matter. This can be quite challenging.

The Committee System

 The committee system is how issues debated within the Parliament are resolved – at least far as possible given that we are talking about politicians. It has always been done this way and it will always be done this way, so don’t argue – unless you are the Prime Minister. If you are in the top job, then you will probably be so assured of your infallibility that you will make random statements without committee oversight – but let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet. The committee system is another way in which the political machine stops you from making an idiot of yourself in public; it hides your stupid comments in the minutes. It also hides you within a larger group of idiots, so you won’t be revealed as the class dunce and get voted out by your electorate at the next election.

Your Office and Appearance

 As a Member of Parliament, you will get an office, along with money to employ an assistant. Your office is where you hide when you’ve had enough of life and don’t want anybody to find you. Your assistant is there to repel any attempts to enter your office. Furnish it with some comfortable chairs and a minibar and you’ll be on your way. Where your attire is concerned, you should always dress very smartly and use your allowances to get top-of-the-range suits. People want to see their elected representative cutting dashing figures on the camera. No matter what you do and say in the House, people will have more inclination to support you if you look the part.

 

The Official Politician’s Prayer

I don’t know if this will ever become out of date…probably not – so here it is again

The Official Politician’s Prayer

Our government, somehow elected,
Delusion be our game.
My god we’re dumb
But there’s work to be done
And blame to be deflected.
Delay us today our daily decisions.
And forgive us our empty promises,
As we forgive those who make empty
promises in response.
And lead us not into innovation,
But deliver us from progress.
For we have the Politicians,
With the power and the will
To speak bullshit
For ever and ever.
Amen.

 

Taken from Grudges, Rumours & Drama Queens (the Civil Servant’s Manual)

Tule’s Law

I have probably posted this before, but what the hell

 

Tule’s Law

.Professor Charles Tule has spent his long and distinguished career studying the political system and how the collegiate party system impacts the ability of the government to make decisions. The pinnacle of his career was the aptly named Tule’s Law. This law goes some way to explaining how viral ignorance manages to prevail in many circumstances.

It states that:

The total common sense of a group of politicians is equal to slightly less than half the sum of the common sense of each individual.

This law provides an explanation as to why a group of seemingly intelligent people can get together in parliament and come to conclusions that the rest of the population can see as unwise and stupid in the extreme.

Exhaustive testing of current debates, and research into debates and policy decisions of the last 100 years, has conclusively proven that this law stands the test of time. While further testing is underway, it is generally believed that this law will not be able to be challenged. Professor Tule is now carrying out further research to see if he can refine his theory to find out whether there is a critical mass where very large groups of politicians have the capacity to lose all common sense whatsoever.

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