Multi-use jargon and facilitative communication options for the CEO

Did that sound like bullshit? Well – read on. Below is the Off-the-shelf Chief Executive Officer’s speech – applicable to any company, anytime, anywhere. Allegedly

A famous British public servant, Samuel Hackett spent his whole working life in the civil service. He joined as an eighteen year old and never looked back. He was, for a long time, head of the Department of Deficient Forward Planning. He credits his success to the education he received from Elwood B. Bettar, one of the trailblazers in the mid-20th century civil service. Hackett is not a well-known official, however he had great influence in the reforming of the government bureaucracy in the late part of last century. He has ensured that, as times change, government workers have the tools to deal with any new issues that arise.

Hackett’s main contribution to history was his ‘off-the-shelf’ Chief Executive Officer’s Speech. This was the result of the endless requests he received to write such speeches. the text of which follows.

‘I am pleased to announce that the results of the department’s mid-year review are now available for scrutiny. It has been a successful start to the year and, to this time, we have experienced a general improvement in organisational effectiveness. As a result of our pro-active approach in maintaining the critical marginal benchmark system, there has been a noticeable improvement in our neutral feedback loops. This has been somewhat counter-balanced by some unintended quantum leakage due to an unexpected flux in the ongoing fractional differentials.
To address this, a representative bottom-line workshop was run with the aim of developing cutting-edge methods of utilizing our projected consequence tables to minimise typical process contingency outcomes. This project-based approach has been commenced and is expected to resolve the issue as part of an expanded learning alignment that will add much-needed flexibility in meeting key performance indicators.
We are now focused on the indexed integrated idlers (Triple I) that were formulated to increase embedded efficiency nodes and to enhance the progressive corporate model which we believe will move us forward towards a world-class structural climate. In the coming year we plan to engage in a specific executive thrust using our Triple I system to push towards a triple-bottom line growth theme.
Moving forward, the department will be commencing a multi-phase strategic review to ensure a systematic rationalisation of the operational paradigms that currently underpin the foundations of its mission statement.

This review will also investigate ways to engage in symbiotic interpersonal cooperatives with our stakeholders to assess our current key deliverables in a way that will lead to mutually beneficial policy development that does not compromise the core values that define our vision for the future.

To facilitate this move forward, we will be developing a poly-dimensional functional competency matrix that we will use as a revolving enabler to identify where capacity building is required and to reverse engineer the corporate structure if we find we are lacking the relevant talent dimensions. Replicable capital synergies will be implemented where possible.

Prioritisation of these outcomes-based objectives will be undertaken with due consideration of the current negative growth of the budget and the time-poor nature of our biological resource units. A disposition list has now been revised after a comprehensive investigation by the cross-divisional human resource working group.

In the past this list has been considered a contributing factor to a culture of neutral business silos, however the effective use of human capital through the development of a specific talent vision, will embed a more direct interactive quality within the interface between management decision networks and departmental efficiency dividends. Preliminary process goals have now been set to guide an accelerated mission analysis.

This, together critical logistics inputs, will provide a positive pathway into the future and set a broad framework for our ongoing strategic planning process. We expect these initiatives to enhance our empirical capability and to improve our interactive organizational continuum. They will also contribute to our risk-based program of continuous improvement and to a high-impact process of spiritual renewal within the organisation.

I can assure the public that the steering committee that conducted the review will meet on a regular basis to ensure that the reviews recommendations of the new strategic direction are implemented.’

 

(an extract from Grudges Rumours & Drama Queens – the Office Handbook)

A blast from the past…about politicians!

There is political turmoil…again, here in the land of Oz. I wrote this a few years back, but it seems to still hold true, and probably will remain so…forever!

 

My Futile Search

I’m told there is talent in our political system
But I’ve looked pretty hard and it seems that I’ve missed ‘em
I took myself off through the corridors of power
It made me depressed and got worse by the hour
‘Cos all of the members to whom I was presented
Acted like kids or were clearly demented
The place was just full of these crushing old bores
The whining idealists, political whores.
When I finally left I felt soiled and stained
And wondered aloud about what could be gained
If we chucked this lot out and elected some more
But the reality was that I couldn’t be sure
That they wouldn’t just argue like immature gits
And continue to give the taxpayer the shits.

More music from Perth

This week I’m back into the local music scene. I present a monthly show in the local community radio station RTRFM 92.1 and I take great pleasure in playing local sounds, new sounds (particularly the indie sounds from Canada and the US), and old sounds . Below are 10 more bands ( in no particular order) to check out from Perth. All great bands. Note that New Talk used to be called Rag’n’Bone. Have a listen and enjoy the sounds of Western Australia. To hear these bands listen to RTRFM92.1, the champion of Western Australian music.

Foreign Architects – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HzfA1KT8p9o

J.F.K. – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EP-bw0Atlvc

The Money War – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y4czOaqQUAc

Sad Hill –  https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FeurlPvrsX4 

Mal de Mer – https://www.triplejunearthed.com/jukebox/play/track/7189971

Edie Green – https://soundcloud.com/ediegreen/edie-green-moonshine

Swayed  – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AYYlHCgzmOI

Mooj – https://iftheymovekillemrecords.bandcamp.com/track/stone-soul

Tommyhawks – https://thetommyhawks.bandcamp.com/album/this-is-not-a-desert-island

Odlaw – https://odlawband.bandcamp.com/album/regret-city

Insidious….

Something happened to me at lunchtime today…in fact it is happening right now. It’s still happening as I write, and it is truly awful.

I was sitting in a cafe trying to write a short blogpost about music, local music here in Perth, great music in fact, but nothing was coming to mind. Now, I knew what I wanted to write in a general sense, but nothing was getting from brain to keyboard. I thought it was just me having a bit of a block, not quite being able to let go from work at lunchtime (or maybe feeling guilty ‘cos I planned to go out for run, but here I was not running) or something along those lines.

But it wasn’t that.

No.

What was happening,  was that I was gradually becoming  aware that my thought processes were being overtaken by an insidious earworm, a version of The Eagles’ Lyin’ Eyes being played over the speaker system. But it wasn’t The Eagles, it was some muzak version, and it was being horribly mangled. There were, possibly, lyrics being sung, or droned, but they were merging with the painfully banal keyboards so that what I could hear was a tune I knew, but could not quite place for a while. This momentary confusion stalled all other thought processes to the point that I became paralysed in that moment with nothing in my head but the desperate need to understand why I was so fascinated by the ear-torture being inflicted on the whole cafe clientele. I don’t mind The Eagles, I have a couple of albums, but I do mind their songs being mangled in the name of ambience. And then it hit me, I now had no chance of writing the short post I wanted to write and realised that this was the blogpost I had to write today.

So, thanks to a, quite frankly appalling choice of ambience creation tool, probably by a management tool , I will not longer be entering this establishment unless they get professional help in choosing music.

George

Check out some great Perth music (part 1)

Hi all,

I thought I’d share a bit of local music with you. Below are 10 local bands worth having a listen to. Let me know if you enjoy them. There are more Perth bands to come.

Simone & Girlfunkle – https://simoneandgirlfunkle.bandcamp.com/album/hold-on

Pond – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iTbviVpmaeA

Psychedelic Porn Crumpets – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fRQKoGrhpOI

Davey Craddock – https://daveycraddockandthespectacles.bandcamp.com/album/one-punch

Boat Show – https://boatshow1.bandcamp.com/album/unbelievable

Human Buoy – https://humanbuoy.bandcamp.com/album/animation-station

The Ah Trees – https://ahtrees.bandcamp.com/track/do-it-all-wrong

Ben Catley – https://soundcloud.com/bencatley/strong-hands

Abbe May – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=05y-a8fpyEk

Shy Time – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VjdFKiAJJJM

 

Dim Matter & el-presidentium

Before I put up a couple of music-related posts next week, I thought I’d do one more ‘science-based’ post…it’s a bit of a rehash from a few years ago, but here goes

 

Dim matter is believed to make up 85 percent of the bureaucracy. However, because it doesn’t emit or absorb any daylight, it can’t be seen or even proven to exist. It expresses itself as Dim Flow, which can clearly be measured in the difference between the time a straightforward process should take, and the time it actually takes when implemented within a bureaucracy.
This Dim flow emits Dim energy, which has the effect of dragging into line any person who enters a bureaucracy with the result that they implement the bureaucratic systems with vigour and intent. These people eventually have their grey matter turned into dim matter by all the dim energy pervading the system.
If you are interested in the discovery of Dim matter and bureaucracy you could, if you feel inclined, read this article

After the success in discovering Dim Matter and its relationship with a new particle, the Positively Energized Moron, and the relationship between dark matter and bureaucracy (https://anothergrumpycommuter.wordpress.com/2012/11/28/dark-matter-and-its-relationship-to-bureaucracy-a-monologue), I have now made another startling discovery. A new isotope of the element presidentium – presidentium 2016, also known as el-presidentium. I will enlighten you with the following:

• el-presidentium often appears out of nothing when too much Dim Matter accumulates in one area, and some of the Positively Energised Morons can become attracted to each other. The presence of further amounts of dim matter excites these morons, and they often go spinning off at random directions. When this happens, the morons will disperse, then attach themselves to other random molecules.
• However, if this small group of positively energized morons manages to hold itself together, it then floats around and steals more morons from other collections of dim matter that it comes across until there are enough morons to form el-presidentium.
• Unlike conventional atoms that require a nucleus of neutrons and protons to hold it together and form stability, el-presidentium is a lightweight element made up entirely of morons flying around a central vacuum. The faster these morons travel, the greater the vacuum becomes. This central vacuum is known as a farcicum.
• When enough positively energized morons manage to coalesce,  the vacuum increases in power to the point where it becomes unstable and has the potential to collapse in on itself resulting in the formation of a super-dense entity known as a peculiarity (rather like a singularity, but without the gravity, mass, or substance).
• This peculiarity is so dense that none of the positively energized morons can escape and they are forever trapped. This then becomes a new form of el-presidentium, known as Dementium. A peculiar property of Dementium is that it repels all common sense.

Further work needs to be carried out on el-presidentium, but for now, many scientists are convinced that it is a fairly rare and random element that acts as a sanctuary for stray morons.

A Short Poem about administrators…

The late, great Philip Larkin wrote This Be the Verse and he inspired this grumpy rant against administrators.

ADMINSTRATIONS CURSE
(Adapted from ‘This Be The Verse’ by Phillip Larkin)

They fuck you up, administrators,
They don’t mean to but they do,
‘Cos while you’re drowning in your work,
They add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By administrators in the past,
Who devised the systems now in use,
And whose evil spell was long since cast.

Admin hands on misery to man,
It makes working life a hell,
Because no matter what you try to fix,
It’ll fuck that up, as well.

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