Dim Matter & el-presidentium

Before I put up a couple of music-related posts next week, I thought I’d do one more ‘science-based’ post…it’s a bit of a rehash from a few years ago, but here goes

 

Dim matter is believed to make up 85 percent of the bureaucracy. However, because it doesn’t emit or absorb any daylight, it can’t be seen or even proven to exist. It expresses itself as Dim Flow, which can clearly be measured in the difference between the time a straightforward process should take, and the time it actually takes when implemented within a bureaucracy.
This Dim flow emits Dim energy, which has the effect of dragging into line any person who enters a bureaucracy with the result that they implement the bureaucratic systems with vigour and intent. These people eventually have their grey matter turned into dim matter by all the dim energy pervading the system.
If you are interested in the discovery of Dim matter and bureaucracy you could, if you feel inclined, read this article

After the success in discovering Dim Matter and its relationship with a new particle, the Positively Energized Moron, and the relationship between dark matter and bureaucracy (https://anothergrumpycommuter.wordpress.com/2012/11/28/dark-matter-and-its-relationship-to-bureaucracy-a-monologue), I have now made another startling discovery. A new isotope of the element presidentium – presidentium 2016, also known as el-presidentium. I will enlighten you with the following:

• el-presidentium often appears out of nothing when too much Dim Matter accumulates in one area, and some of the Positively Energised Morons can become attracted to each other. The presence of further amounts of dim matter excites these morons, and they often go spinning off at random directions. When this happens, the morons will disperse, then attach themselves to other random molecules.
• However, if this small group of positively energized morons manages to hold itself together, it then floats around and steals more morons from other collections of dim matter that it comes across until there are enough morons to form el-presidentium.
• Unlike conventional atoms that require a nucleus of neutrons and protons to hold it together and form stability, el-presidentium is a lightweight element made up entirely of morons flying around a central vacuum. The faster these morons travel, the greater the vacuum becomes. This central vacuum is known as a farcicum.
• When enough positively energized morons manage to coalesce,  the vacuum increases in power to the point where it becomes unstable and has the potential to collapse in on itself resulting in the formation of a super-dense entity known as a peculiarity (rather like a singularity, but without the gravity, mass, or substance).
• This peculiarity is so dense that none of the positively energized morons can escape and they are forever trapped. This then becomes a new form of el-presidentium, known as Dementium. A peculiar property of Dementium is that it repels all common sense.

Further work needs to be carried out on el-presidentium, but for now, many scientists are convinced that it is a fairly rare and random element that acts as a sanctuary for stray morons.

A Short Poem about administrators…

The late, great Philip Larkin wrote This Be the Verse and he inspired this grumpy rant against administrators.

ADMINSTRATIONS CURSE
(Adapted from ‘This Be The Verse’ by Phillip Larkin)

They fuck you up, administrators,
They don’t mean to but they do,
‘Cos while you’re drowning in your work,
They add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By administrators in the past,
Who devised the systems now in use,
And whose evil spell was long since cast.

Admin hands on misery to man,
It makes working life a hell,
Because no matter what you try to fix,
It’ll fuck that up, as well.

A Critical Case revisited

 

I have amended the original story slightly…hence the repost.

 

A CRITICAL CASE

Doctor Tony Carter watched as the stretcher crashed through the doors to the Emergency Room. Trailing behind the paramedics, half running, half sobbing, was a young woman.

Carter looked down at the patient as he spoke. ‘How bad is he?’

‘Bad. Really bad. It looks like he might go critical!’ said one of the paramedics.

‘Where was he found?’

‘He was just sitting in a meeting room talking to a whiteboard. They called his wife,’ she said nodding towards the woman, ‘but she couldn’t help. And we can’t wipe that infuriating smile off his face.’

Carter nodded, ‘Yeah, it is infuriating, isn’t it. Do you know if there have been any other symptoms?’

‘Apparently his work colleagues have noticed that he has an unhealthy obsession with PowerPoint presentations, and he has been rambling on every now and then about things nobody understands, not even his bosses.’

Carter scratched his head. This sounded like a textbook case. ‘Okay then. I’ll take it from here. Just move him into Room 7 please.’

‘Can I come in?’ The young woman tugged at Carter’s arm, her voice breaking.

‘Not yet. I’ll need some time alone with him…er…you’re husband?’

‘Yes. Joel. Joel Barham. I’m Cath…oh tell me he’ll be ok…please!’

‘I really can’t say at the moment. I’ll let you know once I’ve had a look at him.’ He watched her crumple onto a bench as he hurried after his patient. Damn! This was never easy, but was better to deal with this sort of thing without complications.

Joel Barham sat up as Carter entered the room. ‘I have a vision…and a mission…and I’m committed to value-adding.’

Carter ignored him and sat down to commence his work. He spent a little bit of time jotting a few notes on a pad before he turned to his patient.

‘I believe your name is Joel Barham. Is that correct?’

‘I’ve met my KPIs this month, and that means our deliverables are going to match our targets.’

‘Yes I’m sure they will, but can you…’

‘Moving forward I think we should challenge our ingrained paradigms and possibly rewrite our Mission Statement. What do you think?’

‘Try to concentrate Joel. I just want you to answer my questions. I want to make sure that you’re OK.’

‘I’m fine doc. It’s just a misunderstanding. I have to get back to finish my quarterly reporting and reinvigorate my flexible resource units. We need a rapid prototype strategic plan to avoid the possibility of negative growth, and to also undertake some corporate capacity building in order to provide synergistic programmatic specificities.’ Joel looked at Carter with a sparkle in his eyes. This was fun. Lots of fun.

Carter had a sinking feeling. He’d seen all this before. ‘Ok then let’s see if you can still logically reason. Are you able to do that?’

‘Poly-dimensional functional competency matrix!’

‘Yes. Well I think I have my answer. Next question. Do you have any difficulty in reading plain English?’

‘Outcomes, outcomes, outcomes.’

‘I think we’ll call that a ‘yes’. Don’t you?’

‘Unintended quantum leakage!’

Carter sighed and bowed his head. ‘There’s no point in taking this interview further. I think I’ve heard enough. You just sit there and relax and I’ll go and a talk with your wife.’

‘Systematic rationalisation of the operational paradigms.’

‘Quite so.’

Carter left the room and sat down with Cath Barham. He looked into her pleading eyes. She was desperate for good news, but he had none to give. He really did hate this part of the job.

‘What’s wrong with him? Is it bad?’

‘I’m afraid your husband is suffering from an acute case of compulsive jargon. I’ve seen a lot of this in recent months. It’s a condition that can strike at any time. There isn’t much you can do about it.’

Tears welled up in Cath’s eyes. ‘Is it really that serious? He’s only thirty-nine! Is there any hope of recovery?’

Carter sighed. ‘Not really. He’s destined for a career in middle management, or, if his symptoms get worse, which they might, he will become a management consultant who speaks nothing but management wankwords.’ Then, seeing her face, he added, ‘but don’t worry, people will pay loads of money for him to do that.’

But his attempts to soften the blow failed and Cath Barham began crying uncontrollably. At that moment her husband was wheeled past. ‘Oh Joel,’ was all she could say between her heaving sobs.

‘‘Enhanced synergistic benchmarking!’ he replied.

Quantum Positions

yeah, it’s been a while since I blogged regularly. Jobs and other things tend to get in the way of writing, but I have got my mojo back and will be doing my level best to put up one post a week from here on in. What else are lunch times for, if not cobbling together a blog post. Today’s blog is short…no need get ahead of myself.

so here we go

 

Quantum positions

These are positions that may or may not exist. They often, like quantum particles, occur in waves when companies or departments are merging or splitting. They exist in potential, but cannot be definitively seen to exist, or not exist. They often exist in different forms at the same time, depending on how you view them. A quantum position can be a short-term contract, long-term contract, and a permanent position all at the same time.

This in turn creates quantum budgets. Now we all know that people call budgets quantum for some obscure reason, but these tossers do not know that they are right in some cases, and not just repeating management wankwords that have heard in high-level pointless meetings.

A quantum position leads on to quantum money – money that exists and doesn’t exist at the same time, as well as being money that sits in different accounts at the same time depending on how you view it. A bit like quantum particles and waves, when you put said money through a filter it splits up into its parts and waves goodbye to you at the same time, but may in fact still be sitting in your account (if you have the right sort of finance team).

So what do you do with quantum positions? Well, I’m glad you asked that question. It’s a good question and deserves a well thought through answer. However, all I can say is that a quantum position is a bargaining tool that you should use in gaining more quantum money, because if you can convince your boss and finance that the position exists, then you justify additional quantum which will most likely result in somebody else’s quantum position disappearing.

I hope this given you some insight into quantum positions.

George.

.

New Edition and New Cover for Grudges, Rumours & Drama Queens

Hi all,

I have made some minor amendments and improvements to only office handbook you’ll ever need! Yes indeed. A great new cover courtesy of boldfoxdesigns.com and some additional guidance on appearing busy using emails and how to take advantage of departmental mergers and splits, plus few other little tweaks.

Vote WARP – if you want to get elected, get the blame deflected

So, with an election on the way, WARP will be releasing numerous policies very soon, however, first here is a short tutorial for all aspiring WARP politicians explaining our core policy – after all, as all successful governments know – if you want to get elected, then get the blame deflected

Find out more about WARP http://www.westernaustralianwarp.wordpress.com

 

Blame – Where does it belong?

This is one of the most important questions a politician needs to answer during their stay in Parliament. There is absolutely no doubt that in any political career a politician will, at some point, find themselves caught rabbit-like in the headlights of an oncoming media storm. Do not fool yourself into thinking that ‘it won’t happen to me’ – it will; you’re not that bright. Your prime concern should be to limit damage to your party, ensure that votes are not lost, and also, most obviously, limit damage to your own career. At this point you may be asking why you should blame someone else for your own cock-ups, and let’s face it, I will repeat this warning, you will make your fair share of mistakes and stupid comments – such acts are an integral part of being a politician. Anyhow, if you are asking this question you should resign. There is no place in politics for those who take responsibility for their own actions.

Now, back to the question – Where does blame belong? In the immortal words of the Right Honourable Annie Portner-Storum – It doesn’t matter where the blame goes, just so long as it goes. These are wise words indeed, but the fact remains that you should take some care to ensure that you have a plan that provides some plausible options. If you have no plan, then you are in luck, for there is a tried and tested plan, devised by Sir Roger d’Enwharey, the well known political public relations consultant and spin doctor. Sir Roger is a much-feared operator who has beaten the varied and numerous libel and slander cases brought against him. He devised the Blame Hierarchy (a 7-level hierarchy) that allows the politician to learn from his experience and thereby lessen the number of blubbering and panicking parliamentarians ringing him at all hours of the day and night. You should have this hierarchy on your office wall. If followed it will ensure you have a long and distinguished career. It is particularly important if you have leadership ambitions. The Blame Hierarchy is as follows:

 

1) Your main opposing political party

 The first and most obvious option when the need to pass the blame arises is the opposing political party. As you will undoubtedly realise, politics is not about running the country – that is what the civil service does.  No, it is about taking part in petty point-scoring arguments with your colleagues, preferably in another party, but your own if need be. If you are on the front bench, your opposite number will be doing their best to blame you for everything, so feel free to let loose with both-barrels in their general direction. And feel free to dredge up as much ancient history as you feel is necessary.

This is the first option and should be used at all times unless there is no prospect of making any mud stick. If this is the case, then you should look at option 2.

 

2) The banks, big business, the unions

 The second option depends on your political persuasion. If you are on the right of politics you should blame the union movement. They are, after all, a real pain in the neck and cause many of your party donors a lot of headaches with their constant demands for a fair wage and going on strike all of the time. They can easily be made out to be responsible for any number of current woes. Whether it is law and order, the economy, or social issues, they should be well and truly in your sights. You will have a lot of wealthy people who will be all too willing to believe your story and agree that the blame should indeed be laid at the union’s door. The country is clearly only one step away from becoming a communist dictatorship.

If, however, you are in a left-leaning party, then multinational corporations such as banks, phone companies, transport companies, private energy providers, pharmaceutical companies, chemical manufacturers, and oil companies should be targeted. They are obviously out to screw the people with their capitalist approach to business and are borderline psychopaths in the way they look after themselves at everybody else’s expense. The public don’t need much encouragement to believe that any one of these industries is responsible for the current crisis, whatever it may be.

 

3) A government department

 Assuming that the first two options are not viable, then you need a third alternative. This should be a government department. Any department will do, provided that you think you can make the blame stick. And let’s face it, the public service is an easy target and will not be able to defend itself. It cannot be seen to be taking sides in politics, so you can let fly with accusations of incompetence or inefficiency, adherence to process over common sense, administrative wastage, giving you bad advice, and anything else you can think of. Add to this some snide remarks about the easy life of the taxpayer-funded government employee and you will be onto a winner. For more ammunition, read my book – You Can’t Polish a Turd (The Civil Servant’s Manual). All politicians love to put the boot into the public service and you should make sure that you are not the exception.

 

4) The unemployed, immigrants, minorities

So, assuming that your political opponents are smiling, you haven’t been able to pin the blame on corporations, unions, or the public service, you then need to look at Option 4 – blaming individuals and minorities who are not in a position to defend themselves. While the disabled immediately spring to mind, this is going too far, even for a politician (well, most politicians). No, you should take aim at the unemployed. An example of this is as follows.

These unemployed wasters are a stain on society and are responsible for everything; they sent the country into recession because of all their fraudulent claims for financial assistance and their apathy. Following this you can then include immigrants in your blame strategy, because they are now taking all the jobs that the unemployed could otherwise be put into, aren’t they? And then there are the bleeding heart community groups and non-government organisations. And the damn greenies must be responsible in some way shape or form for the current crisis. As you can see, there are plenty of avenues for blame using this option.

 

5) One of your own party colleagues

In the unlikely event that you cannot attach blame to minorities, and at this point you should take a long hard look at yourself and your career choice, then Option 5 looms as the next best bet. This is the ultimate ‘it doesn’t matter where the blame goes’ situation; you are in the shit, right up to your nose, and desperate measures are required. Having said all of that, this is also an opportunity, because by now you will have got on the wrong side of any number of your own party and it is one of them that you should target. Make the most of your petty grudges and simmering resentment; line up the appropriate person for a totally unexpected and vicious attack. At first glance, this may appear to be a career-limiting move; however the hollow men of your party will recognise your ruthlessness and leadership potential, albeit with a certain nervousness. They will ensure that all is forgiven a week after your treacherous act, and a short time later you are likely to be promoted. But what if you are in a position that such an act will actually ruin your career? Then you need Option 6.

 

6) Climate change, global financial crises, in fact any global issue will do.

 At any one time there are global issues that are totally out of the control of domestic governments, although few like to admit this unless there is a good reason to do so. They prefer to maintain the illusion that they are actually in control. One such good reason is when you need to shift the blame and all other higher level options have been assessed and found wanting. One word of caution – there are likely to be many experts out there who actually know what they are talking about, or at least are more convincing than you are when they talk, so beware of getting too specific about why climate change or the current financial crisis  are responsible for your current woes. You need to have your bullshit technique in good order for this. You’ll need to practice a lot.

7) The French

As the hierarchy was developed by an Englishman, the final port of call is to blame the French. Feel free to improvise should you be in a country other than England. As every Englishman knows, the French are responsible for most, if not all, of the woes of the world, so they should rightly take the blame for your latest crisis. When you have reached this stage of the Blame Hierarchy you will be looking like a complete twat; no, don’t argue, it’s a fact. Your lame excuses and nationalistic posturing will provide huge amusement to the population, many of whom will laugh out loud when they see you on the street. They will actually start liking you at this point, and your stocks may well rise. You’re obviously an idiot and incompetent in the extreme – congratulations, you are perfect political material and should be Prime Minister.

 

Cross-posted from https://moregravyplease.wordpress.com/

Ron Ronaldson – press announcement

Ron Ronaldson Minister for Recycling Ideas makes the most of tyres

Recycling Minister Ron Ronaldson today announced that there will be a complete ban on the dumping of used tyres into landfill in the United Kingdom.

 The Government announced it would phase out the dumping of loose tyres and significantly boost recycling. Instead of sending tyres to landfill, the Government is now committed to using recycled vehicle tyres to create colourful playground surfaces and footpaths, rubber sex toys, and pointless disposable items that will end up being thrown away within a few months of their purchase.

“There are lots of these bloody tyres floating around and not being properly used all over the country, contributing considerable  tonnage of waste to landfills each year – it’s in the bloody millions,” Mr Ronaldson said.

“This is a big problem; if you laid all these tyres in a line, they would form a barrier that would be at least 700km long. We could in fact use it to stop all these bloody foreigners coming in, but apparently I’m not allowed to say that.” he said.

“This ban will eliminate the majority of people who constantly take up my time by writing letters to me about this subject. Rather than write letters to me you should write to the makers of these tyres to let them know what the problems are. ‘

 Once put back on track Mr Ronaldson added, “We can now use this valuable resource for road surfacing ‘soft-fall’ playground surfaces, golf walkways, synthetic turf, horse walkways, ‘traffic calming’ products such as speed humps, bitumen additives for road paving and other useful products such as rubber sex toys.”

When asked about using the tyres to create false reefs Mr Ronaldson said, “We’re not in Australia you idiot. This is England and the sea is bloody freezing. Get a grip will you! The best method to manage and dispose of tyre waste has been the subject of much discussion and I haven’t got much of a clue about the right answer, but the boffins tell me this new policy will do the trick.”

 “A seven-stage strategy will be implemented by the Environment boffins and then Hey Presto! the problem will be solved. I have every confidence in them.”

 Mr Ronaldson said he had complete confidence that all stakeholders would embrace the new policy. When questioned about the similarity to the previous government’s policy, Mr Ronaldson said, “This is a completely new policy sunshine, I can’t remember them promoting the use of recycled rubber in sex toys.”

“This is a positive step towards reducing the workload in my office and allowing me to spend more time at the Parliamentary Bar,” Mr Ronaldson said.

 

This is an extract from More Gravy Please! The Politician’s Manual available at Amazon & Creatspace.

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