Multi-use jargon and facilitative communication options for the CEO
August 31, 2018 Leave a comment
Did that sound like bullshit? Well – read on. Below is the Off-the-shelf Chief Executive Officer’s speech – applicable to any company, anytime, anywhere. Allegedly
A famous British public servant, Samuel Hackett spent his whole working life in the civil service. He joined as an eighteen year old and never looked back. He was, for a long time, head of the Department of Deficient Forward Planning. He credits his success to the education he received from Elwood B. Bettar, one of the trailblazers in the mid-20th century civil service. Hackett is not a well-known official, however he had great influence in the reforming of the government bureaucracy in the late part of last century. He has ensured that, as times change, government workers have the tools to deal with any new issues that arise.
Hackett’s main contribution to history was his ‘off-the-shelf’ Chief Executive Officer’s Speech. This was the result of the endless requests he received to write such speeches. the text of which follows.
‘I am pleased to announce that the results of the department’s mid-year review are now available for scrutiny. It has been a successful start to the year and, to this time, we have experienced a general improvement in organisational effectiveness. As a result of our pro-active approach in maintaining the critical marginal benchmark system, there has been a noticeable improvement in our neutral feedback loops. This has been somewhat counter-balanced by some unintended quantum leakage due to an unexpected flux in the ongoing fractional differentials.
To address this, a representative bottom-line workshop was run with the aim of developing cutting-edge methods of utilizing our projected consequence tables to minimise typical process contingency outcomes. This project-based approach has been commenced and is expected to resolve the issue as part of an expanded learning alignment that will add much-needed flexibility in meeting key performance indicators.
We are now focused on the indexed integrated idlers (Triple I) that were formulated to increase embedded efficiency nodes and to enhance the progressive corporate model which we believe will move us forward towards a world-class structural climate. In the coming year we plan to engage in a specific executive thrust using our Triple I system to push towards a triple-bottom line growth theme.
Moving forward, the department will be commencing a multi-phase strategic review to ensure a systematic rationalisation of the operational paradigms that currently underpin the foundations of its mission statement.
This review will also investigate ways to engage in symbiotic interpersonal cooperatives with our stakeholders to assess our current key deliverables in a way that will lead to mutually beneficial policy development that does not compromise the core values that define our vision for the future.
To facilitate this move forward, we will be developing a poly-dimensional functional competency matrix that we will use as a revolving enabler to identify where capacity building is required and to reverse engineer the corporate structure if we find we are lacking the relevant talent dimensions. Replicable capital synergies will be implemented where possible.
Prioritisation of these outcomes-based objectives will be undertaken with due consideration of the current negative growth of the budget and the time-poor nature of our biological resource units. A disposition list has now been revised after a comprehensive investigation by the cross-divisional human resource working group.
In the past this list has been considered a contributing factor to a culture of neutral business silos, however the effective use of human capital through the development of a specific talent vision, will embed a more direct interactive quality within the interface between management decision networks and departmental efficiency dividends. Preliminary process goals have now been set to guide an accelerated mission analysis.
This, together critical logistics inputs, will provide a positive pathway into the future and set a broad framework for our ongoing strategic planning process. We expect these initiatives to enhance our empirical capability and to improve our interactive organizational continuum. They will also contribute to our risk-based program of continuous improvement and to a high-impact process of spiritual renewal within the organisation.
I can assure the public that the steering committee that conducted the review will meet on a regular basis to ensure that the reviews recommendations of the new strategic direction are implemented.’
(an extract from Grudges Rumours & Drama Queens – the Office Handbook)
Another Grumpy Commuter 