Instant Expert!

I think I have gained, or am gaining, a significant new skill. I am becoming an instant expert. And you know what? This is really useful. I know all about everything.

The immigration debate? Yep, I know all about that. The economy and why it’s not working? Yeah, that too, there’s nothing I don’t know about that, just ask all my friends and colleagues. If you want a history lesson on the causes and potential resolution of conflict in the Middle East look no further – I’m here. Then there’s the recent Australian cricket team’s stunning loss to Pakistan. I know all about the reasons for that capitulation, believe me!

But that’s not all. It has recently come my attention that I am an expert on the ways to transmit Ebola and various other nasty tropical diseases. I can confidently critique your latest novel or film about this too. I know it all. And if it’s the history and causes of such diseases, then I’m your man. In fact you can include banking, ball games, and even brain surgery. Add in art, theatre and comedy too, and I think you get the picture.

One thing that I have noticed is that in addition to my undoubted expertness on everything, I have become quite grumpy. Do being an instant expert on everything and a level of grumpiness go together? You bet they do! And I would know, being an expert in this sort of science. It’s akin to my in-depth knowledge about climate change.

So there it is. Out of the blue, I have become clearly and indisputably, unfailingly, an instant expert. And even more interestingly I am completely self-taught! The magnitude of this achievement astounds even me, and I should know, because I’m an expert on education. Why did I ever go school – what was the point?

I think I need to have a couple of drinks to process all of this information, and be in no doubt, I’ll get some quality brews, because I know all about beer…and wine (or should I say whine?). I’m an expert on it. Of course I would be.

So anyhow, I’ll see you next time.

George.

Truth (a very short story!)

That night we gazed up at the blood moon hanging above the trees. The soft illumination clearly showed it for the ball it is, not a disc, more like an orange malteser. It just goes to show how shedding too much light on something can obscure the truth.

Ponzi

Ponzi

Where once stood wealth
there is now a void,
a silent black hole
where only tears belong

Last year it glowed
golden in the sun
sparkling with pride,
stood there tall, stood there strong.

Then it was gone,
not a scrap remained,
no piling, no frame,
no concrete base, no trace.

The engineers came.
It had been, they said,
a mirage, a fake;
it never existed in the first place.

You too can reserve a seat on the Gravy Train!

Some shameless advertising here!

More Gravy Please! the ultimate handbook for all politicians is now available. You too could get on the gravy train.

George Fripley, the author of You Can’t Polish a Turd (the Civil Servant’s Manual) has recently turned his vast inexperience and attention to politics. The result is More Gravy Please!

George gained his qualification as an Instant Expert from the University of My Mate Down the Pub Told Me.

More Gravy Please! is the definitive politician’s handbook. This book will educate you about the perils of Manic Irrelevance Syndrome, how to achieve success using the Thermodynamic Theory of Promotion, and how ideas spread through Viral Ignorance.

You will also learn where blame belongs, how to make a suitably bad decision, and what do with all of that tiresome legislation that will come across your desk.

More Gravy Please! asks six basic questions to test your suitability for political life, and from there guides you step-by-step onto the Front Bench and beyond.

More Gravy Please! is available as a paperback and ebook through Amazon.

Perth, 2113

Perth 2113

When summer comes
shoving spring aside,
children scream in terror,
‘The Sun! The Sun!’
as they run for cover.

That malicious beast
striding the earth – relentless,
sending us into shadows,
burning, searing, killing
the slow, the stragglers,

desiccating the unwary,
wearing down the strong
leaving people as wasted shells
gasping each night
for a cool breath of air.
.
When summer comes
painting bright landscapes
luring us with false colours,
we hide – and pray
for Autumn’s gentle skies.

(Originally published in Silence…)

Sir Roger d’Enwharey (1957 – present)

Sir Roger d’Enwharey is a founding partner in the well-respected public relations company – d’Enwharey, Koppett & Suphor. Sir Roger has been contracted numerous to run election campaigns in numerous countries throughout the world, and has a greater than 80% record in receiving payment for his services. A self-confessed cynic who sold his soul to advertising at the tender age of seventeen, he has made it his business to understand how messages can be best communicated to the general public without them being conscious of the facts. He is of the opinion that manipulation of the population is an art that needs consummate attention to detail and should not be attempted by those with morals or ethics.

De Enwharey, Koppett & Suphor have previously conducted successful campaigns that managed to convince people that politicians are underpaid, that politicians spend far too much time in parliament, and that all those who earn under 100K per year should not be allowed to vote. Sir Roger is currently working with an unnamed government to produce a strategy to guarantee their re-lection, involving demonisation of minorities, increasing taxes on the disabled, and a hard-line against the homeless.

When interviewed, Sir Roger offered the following advice to those thinking of entering the political public relations industry:

• Promote a politician not on what he has achieved, but on what his opposite number has not achieved.
• A clear vision and sincerity are not enough for an election campaign, it must also involve significant deceit and be staffed with people with the morals of an alley cat on heat, or it will fail.
• Hypocrisy in the speeches, the arrogance of the barefaced lie, and the contempt in which they hold the public. The HAC method is the foundation of a well run campaign.
• Political life is divided into three terms – that which was promised, that which is actually delivered, and that which will remain believable for the next election.
• Tell people they need more debt, more lollies, more mod cons, whatever seems appropriate, and denounce those who disagree as being unpatriotic and exposing the country to recession, danger, or ridicule. It works the same in any country.