Instant Expert!

I think I have gained, or am gaining, a significant new skill. I am becoming an instant expert. And you know what? This is really useful. I know all about everything.

The immigration debate? Yep, I know all about that. The economy and why it’s not working? Yeah, that too, there’s nothing I don’t know about that, just ask all my friends and colleagues. If you want a history lesson on the causes and potential resolution of conflict in the Middle East look no further – I’m here. Then there’s the recent Australian cricket team’s stunning loss to Pakistan. I know all about the reasons for that capitulation, believe me!

But that’s not all. It has recently come my attention that I am an expert on the ways to transmit Ebola and various other nasty tropical diseases. I can confidently critique your latest novel or film about this too. I know it all. And if it’s the history and causes of such diseases, then I’m your man. In fact you can include banking, ball games, and even brain surgery. Add in art, theatre and comedy too, and I think you get the picture.

One thing that I have noticed is that in addition to my undoubted expertness on everything, I have become quite grumpy. Do being an instant expert on everything and a level of grumpiness go together? You bet they do! And I would know, being an expert in this sort of science. It’s akin to my in-depth knowledge about climate change.

So there it is. Out of the blue, I have become clearly and indisputably, unfailingly, an instant expert. And even more interestingly I am completely self-taught! The magnitude of this achievement astounds even me, and I should know, because I’m an expert on education. Why did I ever go school – what was the point?

I think I need to have a couple of drinks to process all of this information, and be in no doubt, I’ll get some quality brews, because I know all about beer…and wine (or should I say whine?). I’m an expert on it. Of course I would be.

So anyhow, I’ll see you next time.

George.

Dark Matter and its Relationship to Bureaucracy – a monologue

The search for dark matter has occupied the minds of many of the brightest scientists in the world. They can’t see it and are continually searching for signs of its existence. It must exist because there is so much mass that is unaccounted for. Without it, there is a great big hole in many theories. This is important for our understanding of the universe…it really is.

I believe that I have discovered where at least some of this dark matter lies. To explain this, I need to show how dark matter relates to gravity, and also, as I will explain, to bureaucracy. I have spent many years trying to track down dark matter and how it might relate to gravitational anomalies. I believe that I have proven that, not only can dark matter be the cause of such anomalies, but that it also drawn to situations where there is already significant gravity.

Through a combination of empirical analysis and experimentation, I have found that the gravity of situations is exponentially increased by the presence of a type of dark matter, which I have called dim matter. When there is too much dim matter present, the gravity of some situations can get to the point of implosion, or explosion, depending on the nature of the matter at hand. When I examined dim matter in detail, I found it to be an isotope of the recently discovered element, yet to be formally named, currently called Futilium. This element has a half-life of approximately 280 milliseconds, almost equal to the life of a good idea in government. However, further work has demonstrated that the structure can be changed to make it more stable – in the short term. This isotope has one extra electron, with no apparent function, and has been named bureaucrium.

The normal structure of Futilium is 195 neutrons and 122 each of protons and electrons, giving it an atomic mass of 317. Usually in and out of existence in the blink of an eye, this element’s negatively charged electrons can, in some instances, start attracting a new type of particle – the positively energized moron. These morons, while never being part of bureaucrium, hang around and cause the element to become increasingly reactive until saturation point is reached. Once so overwhelmed, it begins to suck any energy it can out of the surrounding environment. Once this occurs morons are repelled; however, this does not appear to stop increasing numbers of morons wanting to attach themselves. These excess morons then hang in a cloud around any situation of gravity that they can find, awaiting the opportunity to latch on. They then travel around in ever decreasing circles until they crash into the nucleus, at which point they can cause an explosion.

Positively energized morons have been shown to add no weight to any situation and, in fact, consist mainly of a vacuum with very little surrounding substance. The sheer number of morons that are attracted to situations of significant gravity eventually leads to increased mass and instability. However, this was only half of the story. I then needed to find out where the dim matter (and all the additional morons) came from. By studying situations of significant gravity, I soon realised that there were carriers of dim matter which would quietly attach themselves to unstable situations dangerously increasing the gravity. Drama Queens have been identified as the major carriers, but politicians, bureaucrats and fanatics of all sorts are also carriers. I then had to track where this dim matter was picked up by the carriers.

One theory that I am following up is that there is a huge black hole composed of dim matter within each of the parliaments around the world, and that these are major attractors of drama queens, and other carriers, to those institutions. These carriers then go and spread gravity to situations throughout their country, often taking positively energized morons with them. Dim matter also appears to replace grey matter in carriers. Once bureaucrium had been characterized, the search for more of the morons was on. It has since been proven that there are indeed large numbers of positively energized morons in governments and all major bureaucracies throughout the world. They add extended life to bureaucrium through their leaching of energy from the environment, and have been attracting increasing numbers of similar morons to affected institutions. So, the dark matter that resides in bureaucracies is really dim matter that symbiotically reacts with many, many morons that travel around in ever-decreasing circles before reaching critical mass and exploding. Fallout from bureaucratic explosions (and implosions) has a half-life in excess of 20 years.

More gems of unlikely wisdom can be found in the book Grudges, Rumours & Drama Queens – the ultimate guide for navigating government. If you feel so inclined it is available at Amazon and Createspace.